


Beds are burning

by MissesMarvellous



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A pandemic has everyone shook, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asthma, But it's mostly fluff with some darker subtopics, Death, Doctor!Bucky, Doctors, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explicit Language, Hate to Love, Hospitals, Like, M/M, Natasha and Carol are nurse practitioners, Needles, Panic and Anxiety, Politics, Skinny!Steve, Slow Burn, burn - Freeform, but without the college really, college fic, lots of hospitals and hospital talk, love /hate, now for trigger warnings, pandemic-stuff, really really, slowwwwww, virus talk as well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 44,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23452300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissesMarvellous/pseuds/MissesMarvellous
Summary: Steve is getting better. He really is. His world is just starting to spin again, when a bad asthma attack forces him to get to the emergency room of a nearby hospital, kick starting a chain reaction that tests his newfound positive outlook on life, whilst also leading to him butting heads with the junior doctor treating him.A quarantine Stucky-fic! But with a twist, so it’s not Covid19, but something similar with more focus on the gang and how they are coping with everything. I am writing this for myself as well as for you readers, to keep busy and reflect on my own anxiety. I am not trying to make light of the pandemic and I hope I can write about this in a way that feels right, without being of bad taste.Infos:AU!2010s-Setting; AU!Marvel-Characters will appear in the background of this story; tags are added (chapter after chapter), as well as new characters; triggerwarnings are going to be in the notes before every chapter.The title stems from a popular 80s-song by the band 'Midnight Oil', that fits the topic unsettlingly good.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Shannon Carter/Carol Danvers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	1. The sun is out

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a bit of a longer fic, so beware. Chapters may vary in lenght, but I'll try and put up two chapters at once if they're short. I'm trying a few things out when it comes to pacing a story. :) 
> 
> A special TW/CW: The events of this fic are heavily inspired by current global events (Spring 2020). To any potential readers that might be sensitive to anything surrounding the Covid19-pandemic, I ask you to consider this, before reading. Fanfictions (especially with big OTP-ships like Stucky) are a safe space for many people and I do not want to cause any harm by talking about sensitive topics like these.
> 
> I am also neither a medical professional, nor a virologist, so please take anything surrounding the hospital-portions of this fic and the virus itself with a heavy grain of salt.
> 
> I hope you are all save, especially the people in Italy, Spain, New York and the borders of Greece and Turkey. 
> 
> *
> 
> TWs/CWs: 
> 
> \- Explicit violence: No  
> \- Explicit sex: No  
> \- Other: hospitals, anxiety, politics, alcohol, death, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

The weather was nice, Steve thought, staring towards the blue sky. Regardless of the pending doom that climate change was, it felt nice to get outside of his stuffy little room and get some fresh air without withering away in the usual mess of rain, ice and snow that was Brooklyn in the early spring.

Yeah, he smiled, things sure were alright at the moment.

When he held his face into the sun, soaking up every ray like he’d never get the chance again, he was able forget all about his problems. Even if it was just for a little while.

And problems he had.

First, there were the little things, like money, stress and his general state of being. Steve was tiny, 5'4'' and 100lbs soaking wet with a barely working heart, a hearing aid, asthma and a million other things wrong with him. But worse than all of that were the big problems. Like general politics, pending elections, the state of the world and the climate. He’d always been scrawny and sick, but the sheer anxiety that came with existing hit him like a brick when his mother died. The world was a cruel place indeed, he thought, shaking off the coldness in his chest with a weak shiver.

It was a Friday in February, right after valentine’s day, and Steve had a long week behind him. To finance his degree in fine art and history, he worked part time as a shelve stocker in a small supermarket chain that owned a store right next to his building. He’d been lucky to score that job, but it was hard work and he was worn out from the mere three days a week he worked there.

Valentine’s had been a nightmare. Just the thought of all those empty chocolate shelves filled him with dread. People were monsters and so was capitalism.

But now, that he was sitting on the stone fence that separated his block from a nearby school, he felt nice and warm and fuzzy. Like all those things were far away from him. Like he was safe.

That was, until his phone made a buzzing noise.

“Hey Nat”, Steve said, carefully leaning back on the warm stone beneath him, until he was laying there with his phone pressed against his good ear.

“Sorry Steve, I know you hate phone calls, but you didn’t reply to my texts and I got worried Mosser kept you at work till now.”

Steve chuckled, if that had been the case, there would probably be a bloodbath at the store in about ten minutes. He loved Nat, but she was at times a little too eager in her quest to protect him.

“All good, just went outside to catch some sun and forgot to look at my phone.”

It was a half-lie and Nat probably knew that. Steve frequently quit his phone for hours to escape the endless stream of push notifications telling him that the world was ending. Sam, Steve’s one other friend in the world, was a psychology major and advised him to get away from his phone, whenever he felt like everything was too much. Like with many things, Steve followed his advise almost religiously. Well, he did put up a fight before following them, but in the end he almost always came around. And even thought getting away from all social media was hard, he had to take self care seriously these days.

“Right, so next time I’ll see you, you’ll be all red and itchy?” He heard Nat snigger through the phone and scoffed.

“Hey, even I won’t get sunburned in February!” As annoyed as his tone was, he still took a second to check his exposed arms for any signs of redness. There was none and he laid himself back down, amused by his own paranoia.

“Right, like that’s never happened befo-”, there was a short crackling noise in the line before he could heard her voice again, “-so anyways, since you’re already up and about, care for a fatty dinner and then some serious alcohol? I got the weekend off and I am ready to show it.”

He briefly considered turning her offer down, but his stomach was growling and he could use a few hours with a good friend and some gin.

“Sure, but we’ll have to make dinner ourselves and get the cheap stuff, end of the moth is coming up and I am one broke ass student right now.”

“Jesus, you sound like a-“

“I know”, he cut her off with a hand gesture that, as he at the same second realized, she was not able to see, “I am going full poor student cliché, but what’re gonna do?”

She laughed, “I’ll get the booze, you’ll make us some pizzas. Sound ok?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Great! You wanna come over for this? I got a better couch than you and we can shop at a place where you don’t stop every ten seconds to chat with a co-worker.”

Steve chuckled, “yeah sure, I’ll be there in twenty.”

He hung up the phone, squinting into the sun to press the right button, and got up with a heavy sigh to grab a jacket before he headed to Nat’s apartment complex.

Whilst Sam and he were still struggling at school, Nat was already working a full time job, making alright money, living in an apartment that had new appliances and even a balcony, albeit a small one. A balcony in Brooklyn was nothing below a luxury. But Steve did not envy her one bit. Being a nurse practitioner seemed like a nightmare to him. He’d seen, what the job does. His mother worked almost every day of her life as a nurse in a nearby hospital and her few days off were spend there regardless, due to her sickness prone son. Stuff like that took a toll out of someone.

He bit down the sudden wave of guilt that could easily lead to him spiraling. He had no use for that right now.

Whilst waiting for the elevator, another buzz made the phone in his hands shake, it was his psychologist. Good timing. He took a few seconds to text her back and stepped into the elevator.

He was back on the street no more than five minutes later with his wallet, a charger and a jacket. Thankfully, Nat didn’t live far from him. It took him exactly twelve minutes to her subway station and from there it was only a short walk.

\- I’m here -, he texted.

The time waiting for her, was spend looking around. He loved this part of the city. People were outside as much as possible, there was little traffic since the street was technically a pedestrian zone and most windows had colorful flower boxes attached to them, that were pretty to look at, yet far enough away from him, not to trigger his allergies too much.

His thoughts were disrupted by a wet nose, nuzzling into his palm, ripping his gaze from the beautiful house fronts towards the ground next to him. The nose belonged to a beautiful golden retriever puppy, that now, that Steve paid it attention, started yipping happily.

“Oh hello you”, Steve said in his dog voice, a terrible, higher pitched, more excited version of his regular voice, but he couldn’t help it. He saw a dog, he had to pet the dog and talk to it. Those were the rules of life. His life, anyways.

He scrunched down to scratch the lifely little creature behind its ears, earning himself more happy noises and some tiny, curious licks on his arms.

“Jello! No!” A woman, presumably the owner of the dog, stepped up the two steps towards Steve and the dog, and gave Steve an apologetic smile.

“I am so sorry, she’s learning not to lick strangers at the moment.” She dropped her smile and looked at her dog with a kinda real, kinda mock seriousness in her tone, “and she’s doing a bad, bad job at it!”

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind being attacked by fluffy little creatures, but I hope my reaction didn’t destroy your progress.” He shielded his eyes looking up to the woman who thankfully did not look too bothered.

“No no, it’s fine. I’m glad you don’t mind, she has a lot of love to give right now and this phase won’t stick forever. I’m mostly training her so that she won’t put a poor kid with allergies into shock.”

The woman extended her hand for Steve to shake it, “I’m Carol by the way and this”, she nodded at the puppy, “is Jello. And before you say anything, I know the name is weird, I’ve heard it all. But my girlfriend was very insistent on it and once something crosses Shannons mind it's impossible to try and argue about it. ”

Steve took her hand with a wide grin and replied, “I’m Steve, it’s very nice to meet you both.”

The door behind them opened and made them both turn to see Nat coming out of the house, looking towards them with a confused but happy glance.

“Hey nerds”, she greeted them, “Steve, I see you’ve met my coworker and newly neighbor?”

“Yeah”, Steve finally decided to stand back up, making his head spin a little and his legs ache after squatting for so long. “I didn’t know she was your co-worker though.”

“Yeah she is”, Nat hugged Carol briefly and then moved on to Steve, “I got her a place in my building after the guy in the unit above me moved out.”

“Wait, unusually-loud-techno-guy moved out? When did that happen?”

“After I complained to the building manager about it and he stopped blasting his music, only to reveal that he was using it to cover up his super loud sex noises. He moved out when I left a rather unfriendly note on his door.”

Steve grimassed, he could only imagine what that meant. Nat was a person best kept on ones good side.

“Oh don’t pull that face on me Rogers”, she grinned viciously, “I didn’t threaten the guy, but I did maybe get all the neighbors to sign a letter concerning his – well let’s say hobby – and it’s volume. My best guess is, the poor guy moved out from sheer embarrassment.”

Steve rolled his eyes, but it was with a smile on his face. Nat’s methods were unusual, but almost never really violent or immoral. She was more creative when it came to these things than most others.

“And now”, Carol stepped in, looking a little concerned, “I live in his place. And I will make sure never to anger the woman living below it.”

“See Steve”, Natasha laughed, “works every time.”

“We’ll see for now, Miss Romanov. Maybe I got a little dirt about you too. Our building manager was very friendly and very talkative about his relationship with a certain redhead living in the building.”

Steve looked back and forth between the two women bantering, sniggering about the thought of Clint, said building manager, stumbling over his words after accidentally revealing the weird thing he and Nat had going. They weren’t going out, but he’d met all her friends and was more often than not at Nat’s place to 'fix' something, whenever Steve went there unannounced.

“Oh man”, Carol suddenly said, looking at her phone. “I should get back, Jello here doesn’t quite have the stamina for long talks with the neighbors yet. Gotta feed her and then pet her until Shannon tells me I’m coddling her again. What are you guys planning to do tonight?”

Steve was back to squatting, giving the small dog some attention, mentally prepping himself to say goodbye to her. Thankfully Nat was there to answer Carol.

“Well, we were planning on making pizza and then getting drunk, but I guess I’ll be spending my free weekend with a hunk of sad boy that is missing your dog. He’s terrible, when it comes to them. Falls in love with strangers dogs all the time, just to sit around and mope when they eventually leave. He even has this dog voi-“

“I am simply a human person with a heart”, Steve appruptly feeling the need to defended himself. The gaze of the two women lingered on him, as he stood up again, wiping his hands on his jeans. “And this dog happens to be unfathomably cute.”

“If you’d like to, you could take her on a walk sometime, once she can take more than 20 minutes of excitement at once. I work a lot of long days and Shannon is an architect, so she tends to lose track of time and this little girl”, she rubbed her dog's back lovingly, “needs all attention on her at all times. I can already tell she’s a bit of a princess. I’m sure she would love it.”

His hands were almost shaking, he was so excited. The prospect of walking Jello made him weak in the knees. They felt like – well jello. He’d always wanted a dog, every since he could remember. But money was tight and apartments in Brooklyn were small, so it never happened.

“He loves the idea”, Nat suddenly said and Steve realized, that he’d been standing there, smiling silently like an idiot, for what must have been several seconds.

Quickly gathering his thoughts he nodded, “yes, yes I really do!” Rubbing the back of his head he added, “I’m sorry, I just really love dogs.”

“Well Steve – Steve right?”, Carol squeezed his upper arm in a friendly way before heading up the last stairs to her front door, Jello jumping up and down behind her, “I’m sure we’ll get along just fine then. See ya Nat, give Steve my number, will ya? Then we can set up a dog date and drink wine in peace, whilst the two of them are busy making heart eyes at each other.” Jello really was looking at Steve with what seemed like a wide smile and Steve caught himself wanting to whip out his dog voice once more.

“Sure thing Carol. See you Monday, at the latest!”

And with that they were gone, leaving Steve feeling even warmer, than he did before. Like the sun had previously melted away his worries, Jello seemed to have a similar effect.

“You wanna get the groceries now, or are you planning on staring at the closed door some more?”

He looked at Nat.

“Oh god, you want me to give you her number right now, don’t you?”

“I just don’t want us to forget!”

“Gimme your phone, nerd. And then we’ll finally get some booze, before the sun is leaving us again and I have to go back up to get my jacket.”


	2. Balconies and white wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: alcohol, anxiety
> 
> Revised: no

Natasha paid for their whole purchase and it made Steve squirm a little, but he had about thirty bucks left for the month and alcohol was expensive. They’d also gotten an ungodly amount of chips, chocolate, ice cream, energy drinks and other unhealthy stuff, as well as some really good ingredients that would make for some killer pizzas.

Walking back to Nat’s place, they got into some light conversation about nothing really, until Nat asked him how he was doing. It was an innocent enough question coming from everyone else, but when Nat or Sam asked him, knowing what they did, it was more than that.

They hadn’t really talked about Sarah Roger’s death when it happened. It had been five months now, she died late October last year, and Steve was… adjusting. He’d spend a whole month crying, a whole month suppressing and then three months getting anxiety attacks and worrying too much about everything.

The mental illness crept into Steve’s life one news article after another, but he was getting help and things were better now. He was better now.

Clearly Nat thought so too, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked a question that, just a couple weeks ago, would have made Steve go directly into his dark place, where the world seemed too broken to fix.

But he was better now.

So when she did ask, he replied. He didn’t panic, he didn’t start to cry, he just said “I’m okay Nat”, and she believed him. Or so she said, putting down the bags on her counter, when they finally were back at her place. 

“I mean”, she elaborated while getting the pizza flour out of her cupboard, “you look better. But I can’t help it.”

“I know Nat”, Steve moved towards the grocery bags to put the ice cream in the freezer, “but I really do feel better and while my anxiety might not be going away anytime soon, it’s getting more manageable by the day.” Natasha’s too-much-gene applied to any part of her life; her work, her relationships – and her overprotectiveness.

“That why you didn’t answer my texts the whole day?” She was smirking, but her tone suggested worry.

Steve took a deep breath before he turned around to face his friend, “I still get overwhelmed quickly, but if putting down my phone helps with that, then so be it. God knows”, he chuckled, “it won’t hurt you to wait for someone for a change.”

“Hey what’s that supposed to mean? I am a very punctual person!” She grinned and pulled out more ingredients for the pizza they wanted to make.

“Sure Nat, sure. Like that one time we were supposed to meet at O’Rileys and you didn’t show up for a full hour. But then again, when I checked on you, Clint did say your very new, very expensive water heater miraculously broke, so you were definitely not at fault there.”

Nat stared at him from the other side of the kitchen. She was used to intimidate people with her death glare, but Steve was immune. Years of friendship made him resistant to all of her methods. Or well, most of them. She could still absolutely kick his ass and nothing would ever change that.

After several seconds of staring, she snapped back to a casual tone, changing the subject in a way that made it very clear that the Clint-topic was no longer up for discussion.

“So”, she said, “what’s new at work?”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Don’t get me started, Mosser wants to change our starting time to 6.30am, as if 7am isn’t early enough already. And today there was this old lady, that wanted flour despite us having none left and-“

“Really? You had no flour left?”, Nat cut in.

“Yeah, long story short we had a guy come in who bought like 10 packages on a day we already didn’t have a delivery scheduled. Fun. But back to the old lady, she actually broke into our storage room to scavenge for the apparent back-room flour, we – in her mind - didn’t put out because we’re assholes, and got trapped back there. It was fantastic. She almost called the police on Darcy’s ass, because even after we freed her, we did not have any flour for her to buy.”

Nat let him take over the pizza dough and sat down on one of the bar stools at her breakfast nook. This woman had a breakfast nook. In New York. Steve really needed to make more money.

“Sounds interesting to say the least. This lady cause any more trouble?”

“Nah”, Steve was washing tomatoes, “she left pretty quickly when the store manager came around to tell her off in person.”

“Crazy”, his friend said, sounding deep in thought.

“Yeah.” He looked up to see Nat drawing circles on her table with her index finger and flashed a soft smile. “So, what’s up with you? Working too much, like always?”

“Oh you know me, just being a nice helpful person, like usual”, she grinned, “but there is actually someone new at work. Real nice guy, you know. A doctor that respects the fact that I am a nurse practitioner not a nurse. Cute, too.” She grinned again, this time wider and with more unspoken subtext.

Steve groaned.

Nat had a record of trying to set him up with anyone she knew that was gay and nice. Which was a lot of people, seeing as they lived in New York City. He decided not to respond to the obvious bait.

“Oh really, that’s great for you. I’m glad you have such nice colleagues. Carol seems wonderful, too.”

“Yeah yeah.” She waved her hand, “she’s an angel et cetera, but the guy, he’s really something!”

“You gonna ask him out then? Where’s your pepper? Did you move it?”

“Yeah I did, upper left cupboard. And no, I am not asking him out. But he is new to the city and he seems like a guy that could really use some company.”

“Thanks, ah there it is. Hm, I mean if he really is so lonely, you could ask him to grab a drink or something. Become his friend.”

“I don’t think he needs more friends, Steve.”

“Well then he can’t be too lonely.”

They stared at each other, whilst Steve was aggressively peppering the sauce.

“You are using too much pepper.”

“These tomatoes are very sweet, they need it.”

Silence.

Right as Nat was trying to speak again, Steve cut her off. “Do you want pepperoni on your pizza?”

Silence, then a mere “sure”, accompanied by her shrugging and pulling out her phone.

Steve turned to the stove to heat the sauce, silently congratulating himself on the win. It was not like he didn’t want any romance in his life, especially now, that he was staring to heal. He just had too many issues, preventing him from even thinking about dating. He still had to get his anxiety under control, had three projects for university to finish, his job and – well there were other things, preventing him from actively looking.

With the sauce slowly bubbling away and the dough rising they had time to kill and decided to sit on Nat’s small but nice balcony, that, at this hour of the day, was flooded with light from the afternoon sun. With their sunglasses on and two glasses of white wine, they sat in the sun, indulging the warmth of an early spring.

Nat was still typing away on her phone, probably fighting with some fool on Twitter, whilst Steve was just chilling, holding his face into the light, happily sighting every now and then.

It was a peaceful scene, one that Steve knew well. They sat out here a lot, especially in summer, when the rooms inside got too hot to exist. Steve loved the calming atmosphere of being outside, without being outside. He had fresh air and sun and good company without other people interrupting. It was a balcony and white wine kind of weather.

After a while, Nat cleared her throat, ripping Steve from his relaxed state. The sun had almost set and without its warmth, the balcony became a shadowy place that made him shiver a bit.

“You cold?”, she asked, peeking up from behind her phone.

“A bit, yeah.” Steve rubbed his skinny arms and looked around. The air was fresh and clear, the sky still blue, birds singing high pitched songs and a dog barking somewhere in the distance. There was nobody around, just the sound of someone moving a lawn below them. When he closed his eyes, it felt like he was sitting on a porch somewhere in a suburb in late summer, when the air was just getting colder again. He felt at peace, yet somehow uneasy about the fact, that he was not far away, but in Brooklyn. A usually way louder, more hectic place.

Nat checked her phone one last time, before putting it in her back pocket, standing up.

“We should get inside. As soon as the sun is gone, it’s winter again out here.”

Steve just nodded and followed her inside, being taken aback by the sudden smell of tomato and black pepper. He emptied his glass, getting himself and Nat, who was holding her glass out to him, a refill.

“You wanna make the pizzas now? Sauce is definitely ready.” Nat took her glass and nodded.

There was something weird about their interactions, he thought. Like they’d suddenly ran out of things to talk about.

“Are you mad?” He hated how that was always the first thing he thought of.

“No”, Nat rolled her eyes, “just a little offended that you don’t seem to care about my very good eye for people.”

Great. So this wasn’t over yet.

“I don’t challenge your abilities to spot nice people, I just don’t know if I’m ready to date yet.”

Nat clicked her tongue, “you don’t have to fuck ‘em, you can start by having more than two friends.”

“I thought you said the guy doesn’t need any more friends”, Steve unsuccessfully tried to hold back a cheeky laughter.

“Yeah no, not that guy. He’s too pretty to just be friends with, trust me.” With that they were back to their usual banter and Steve was glad he defused the situation.

“What do you want on your pizza?” He asked innocently blinking, already pulling out a jar of olives from the bags, that were still laying on the counter.

“Steve Rogers”, Nat appeared in the kitchen door with a death stare, “do not, I repeat, do not put olives on my pizza. I love you, but I will kill you.”

Grinning, Steve opened the jar, fishing out a single olive and popping it into his mouth. Much to Natashas disgust. “I just don’t understand how someone can hate something so delicious”, he said with a full mouth.

“I actually hate you, you know that? Ugh, just the smell.” She grabbed the glass out of Steve’s hand and took it, arm extended to its full length to keep the smell away from her, to the other side of the kitchen. “You make your shameful disgusting pizza over here, where I don’t have to see it.”

Giggling, Steve made his way over to where the olives now were, to finish up his pizza toppings. Nat switched on her bluetooth box and started her happy pop-playlist, to accompany their pizza making.

Twenty minutes later they sat down on her couch, flipping through Netflix with their pizzas and some stronger booze in front of them. Steve’s head was already spinning in the nicest way, when they finally picked a movie and effectively started their evening.


	3. Keeping calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: anxiety, death, hospitals, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

The next day came with one of the worst hangovers Steve ever had. It was bad. Not being able to open his eyes bad. When he finally got up the couch to get to the bathroom, he did not like what he saw in the mirror. Not, that that was usually the case, but right now he had tiny blood shot eyes, two new spots on his chin and lips that looked like someone dragged them on pavement.

He also was as pale as a wall and felt like he was gonna throw up.

After washing his face, brushing his teeth with the toothbrush he had at Nat’s place and drinking three cups of water, he almost felt like a person again. Almost.

A groaning sound made him open the bathroom door to find Nat, looking more dead than alive. She gave him a weak grin, before going into the bathroom, leaving Steve to stand in the small hallway, unsure of what to do with himself.

Coffee, he thought and his stomach growled. Coffee and food.

Nat had a pretty modern coffee maker and a French press. Steve looked at the coffee maker, then at the French press, then back at the coffee maker. One would make a lot of noise, the other would take longer. He rubbed his eyes and grabbed the French press, filling it up with coffee and boiling water in the kettle at the same time. Soon after, the smell of coffee roamed through the apartment.

He put the French press on Natasha’s table and proceeded to open her windows to get some fresh air.

Natasha was still in the bathroom, so Steve started breakfast. When she finally joined him, he had set the table and prepped everything for waffles. Nat found him on the balcony, enjoying a cup of coffee in the sun.

“Mornin”, she mumbled and sat down, pulling a thin blanked around her shoulders.

“Mornin”, answered Steve. “There’s coffee, if you want some.”

“In a minute, if I stand up again I’m probably gonna throw up.”

She looked the part. Her hair was wet from the shower, her face pale with reddened lips and dark circles around her eyes. Steve smiled. After moving around the kitchen and drinking half a cup of coffee, he felt alright. But Nat drank a lot more than him yesterday and it was showing.

“Stop smiling, I’m dying here.” She shoved his shoulder in a loving way and laughed. It came out much more throaty and raw than her usual laughter.

“I’m just thinking about justice here, last time I was off way worse than you and you woke me up banging two pots against each other.”

“That was an accident, I was making breakfast!”

“You got breakfast at the bakery across the street.”

“I had to heat it up!”

“Yeah sure, we all heat up pastries in pots, that makes total sense.”

“Oh shut up, you’re giving me a headache.”

“You love me.”

“I don’t.” She grinned and Steve got up to get her a cup of coffee and start up the waffle making.

She came back inside around twenty minutes later, eyes wide at the spread Steve prepared. They had waffles, orange juice, fresh fruit and a wide array of toppings. She sat down, already digging into her first waffle when Steve got on the chair across from her.

He loved caring for his friends in any way he could, making them happy meant making him happy. And Nat looked like she was in heaven. You did a good job, Steve thought, ignoring the headache between his brows, as he started eating as well.

It was already past noon, when they finished up washing the dishes and putting away the rests of their breakfast. Nat crashed back on her couch and groaned.

“I never want to move again, Steve. Just bring me stuff here from now on.”

Steve laughed, sitting down on the couch as well. “You’d never survive. You need your job. I have never seen a person so determined to work two 12 hour shifts back to back.”

“I love my job, but I love this couch more.” She grinned and switched on her TV. “You wanna watch something special? Otherwise I’ll just put on the last season of BoJack Horseman.”

“You didn’t watch it yet?” He propelled himself up in his arms and looked at her in shock.

“No, haven’t had the time. Stop judging me, not all of us are lazy students that watch Netflix all day.”

“I can work a lot and catch up on my favorite TV shows at the same time, maybe you’re just bad at time management.”

She didn’t look at him, but Steve caught her hiding a grin in her blanket.

They watched BoJack Horsemann until the sun was threatening to set again in the distance. Steve felt nice.

It was a good thing, he thought. He really was getting better.

A thought crawled into the back of his mind, reminding him that, just because he was telling himself that he was getting better, it did not mean, that he was. Steve wasn’t sure, if what he felt was normal, or if he was messed up for always finding a way to make his progress seem meaningless. He glanced over to Nat, unsure if he should ask her for advice, but he couldn’t. Well, of course he could and she would listen and probably give him some solid advice. But he already burdened her with so much.

She was the one who found him, hiding, crying in an empty room at the hospital after his mom died. She pulled him from the mess that his life was, every time he slipped, she was there. He would never want to put more on her, not if he could avoid it. It was the same with Sam. He had his therapist, great friends, a stable job and all in all a good, respectable life. He was doing fine and when he wasn’t, he would deal with it then.

A sudden burst of emotion hit him and before he knew it, he struggled breathing. He knew the feeling too well, already gesturing towards Natasha. She turned her head and understood immediately.

“Oh shit, asthma. Okay Steve, keep calm. I’ll get your inhaler.”

He focused on his breathing, feeling his cheeks flush and his hands getting shaky. It had been a little while, since his last attack, but he knew once he got his inhaler, it would be okay.

Nat handed him his inhaler and sat down next to him, lightly rubbing circles on his back. He tried taking a breath with the inhaler, but it didn’t work. He shook it, feeling weak but determined. He knew asthma. He could handle asthma. Right? But the inhaler was empty.

He looked at Nat and saw, that she was already getting her keys and putting on her shoes. Steve followed her, feeling dazed. He had no idea whose car he got ushered into, but Nat was driving. It felt like an eternity, driving through the city slowly getting darker, lights flickering on beside their car, following them until it was night out and they were there.

They walked, Steve leaning heavily into Nat, to the front desk, still determined that this was not too bad. He’d been there before. One quick fix with an inhaler and all would be fine. This was not a big deal.

Nat talked to the nurse, temporarily leaving Steve standing by himself and it was a thing he could do. He could stand.

Right?

Steve saw the ground come closer before everything stopped.


	4. Long looks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today! :)
> 
> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: hospitals, doctors, anxiety, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

When Steve came to, everything felt shifted. Like he was missing something. An explanation, for example. Last time he fainted because of his asthma was years ago. He remembered it well, the day he fell face first onto the ground of his highschool gym in senior year.

A long time ago, he thought.

So why did this happen to him now?

He didn’t open his eyes until he felt like he could take it. His head was still pulsing with a headache, but he mused that this one wasn’t due to drinking but to something else. Did he fall that hard?

The room Steve found himself in was a standard hospital room. It was still dark out, but there was a dimmed light illuminating everything. The curtain next to him was pulled back, revealing that he was the only patient here. But that did not mean he was alone.

A soft look formed on his face, as he watched Sam, all crouched together on one of the chairs across his bed. The two coffee cups on the small table next to him meant, that Nat had been here too.

Nat! He shut his eyes; she had to work in the morning. Steve hoped she did the responsible thing and went home to sleep, but he knew that was not her M. O. He hated, that he did this again. Making them worry about him, putting their own lives on hold.

The wave of guilt was close to crushing him then and there, he would have broken down like the mess he was, if someone didn’t enter the room.

The doctor, Steve assumed by his choice of clothing and the – quite stereotypical – stethoscope around his neck, looked around the room to find him awake and gave him a small little smile that only lasted for a second but hit Steve like a truck. He’s had plenty of doctors, but never one this attractive.

Was this a fever dream? Oh god, was he dead?

The man approached Steve’s bed and he was all of a sudden painfully aware that he was wearing a hospital gown. Yeah, not dead. Definitely not dead.

As he stepped closer, Steve was able to see that he was quite young. He couldn’t be much older than himself. Steve took the time the doctor was reading something off his chart to get a good long look on him. He had shortish brown hair styled up in a messy, slightly curly at the top. He was at least 6 feet tall with broad shoulders. Under his white coat he was wearing light blue scrubs that made Steve think of every dramatic hospital themed TV show he’d ever seen and it looked nice on him, but sadly didn’t reveal anything about the guy other than that he was quite fit. There was something off about one of his hands though…

Steve felt the light grey eyes of the doctor on him and snapped back, flashing a guilty smile, already feeling the blush creeping onto his cheeks.

“So”, the guy was almost whispering and Steve appreciated that he didn’t want to wake up Sam. “Your vitals have stabilized, which is really good. Was afraid there for a second when you fainted on us.”

Great, Steve thought. So the guy had been in the room when it happened. What a meet cute.

“Damn”, he mumbled more to himself than anyone else.

“No, actually, that’s a good thing.” He looked up to see the smile back on the doctor’s face and had to smile himself. Would you look at that, he thought, Steve Rogers getting a crush on his doc. What were the odds?

Pretty high, he then remembered and had to stop himself from pulling a grimace.

“You were out pretty badly though”, the doctor continued.

Steve chewed his lip and looked over to Sam. He worried them again. Way to go!

The doctor followed his gaze and raised one eyebrow. “You have pretty good friends, if the woman that brought you in wouldn’t have broken all the driving rules, you could’ve suffered a severe brain injury. Loss of oxygen is not a small thing, despite people always thinking that asthma isn’t that bad.” He held out his hand, “I’m Dr. Barnes, by the way.”

Steve shook his hand and took half a second to enjoy the touch. “Steve Rogers”, he wanted to slap himself, “but you already know that. Sorry. You’re my doctor?”

Dr. Barnes laughed silently and shook his head, “kinda, I’m in my second year. Your real doctor is my boss Dr. Hill, I’m just the one doing the paperwork. And”, he grinned for a second and Steve wanted to see more of that, “the one having to tell you to keep it low for a few more days. You should be fine, but no heavy lifting or something that can be considered cardio.”

Steve liked this guy. But what he didn’t like was being made fun of. Sure, he was tiny. He knew that. The guy didn’t have to go all out describing sport, like they both didn’t know that wasn’t really an option for him anyways. He also hated being treated like a child.

Steve bit his tongue. “What about work, that okay?”

“Sure”, the doctor shrugged, “as long as it’s not too heavy on you. But it would really be better not to do anything to overwhelm yourself again.”

Steve tried. He really did. But there was still lots of sarcasm dropping out of every next word he spoke. “How long do I have to just lie around, then?”

Dr. Barnes eyes widened and he quickly glanced over to Sam who was still sleeping, “oh sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“Yeah, still sounded like it.”

“I mean”, re raised his voice a tiny bin, straightening his coat. This guy was trying to go full doctor on him. “you really should be careful. You did just black out in the lobby. Sorry to sound blunt, but if you have to do nothing for a few days to keep yourself safe, then so be it.”

“I have lived with asthma every day of my life, I can handle more than I look like.”

“I am not insinuating that you are not a very capable person, but right now you should-“

“If you’re not insinuating that, they why do you sound so condescending?” Steve knew he was overreacting, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“It’s kinda his job, Steve.” Sam sounded sleepy and like he was holding back laughter.

Steve sighted and rubbed the bridge of his nose, noticing how relieved the doctor seemed.

“Glad to see you awake Stevie”, Sam stood up and walked over to ruffle through Steve’s hair. He felt like nobody was taking him seriously and was on the verge of getting really mad.

“I have to get back to work now, take it seriously, please.” The young doctor walked towards the door, giving them both a nod.

“I’ll make sure of that, thank you.” Sam said much to Steve’s dismay, right before the door closed.

“You know”, Sam sat down on Steve’s bed, “I am glad you have the energy to fight with your doctors, but that guy was just doing his job.”

Steve leaned back on his pillow, looking at the ceiling. “I know, I just don’t like-“

“Being told what to do. Oh I know, buddy.” Sam laughed and tucked Steve in. The audacity, Steve thought, though he did like the feeling. “But you know people taking care of you isn’t a bad thing, right?”

Steve looked up and met Sam’s eyes. They were red, of course they were, he slept too little and in a hospital chair at that.

“I know.” He sighed again, “I just don’t like being so fragile. You always have to worry and at that point, it’s not caring for me, it’s me dragging you behind.” Steve had no idea why he was being so honest all of a sudden, but it felt good.

When he studied Sam’s face he didn’t see resentment (of course no, it was Sam!) or anything really other than sadness. Perfect, he made Sam sad. Good Job Steve, he congratulated himself on being a shitty, self absorbed person.

“Steve”, Sam was talking now, “no matter what happens, you will never drag me down, or Nat for that matter. I’m sure I speak for the both of us, when I tell you that we’ll always be here and glad about it. You make our lives better, not worse. That’s what friendship is. But I know, that you know that. And I also get, why you would feel this way. Especially now.”

Why was he friends with someone so smart, Steve asked himself. But he smiled softly and nodded, “thank you Sam. For understanding and being here. Just because I sometimes let myself feel this way does not mean that I don’t appreciate it.”

They shared a long look and Steve scrapped the earlier question and asked himself instead why someone like Sam or Nat would ever be friends with him. He wasn’t enough for them and he hated himself for it.

“Where is Nat, by the way”, he asked, realizing that she still hadn’t come back, which meant that she was either at home like she should be or…

“She jump started her shift, they needed someone to help out and she was already here and well”, Sam shrugged helplessly, “you know her.”

“Goddamn”, Steve groaned exasperated, “this woman.”

“Yeah”, Sam grinned, “she’s something.”

“But I can at least order you home.” Steve didn’t let Sam get a word of protest in. “You can go home and pick me up tomorrow, if you want. I’ll just sleep anyways and then get that damned doctor to send me home.”

“Alright”, Sam lifted both his hands defensively, “but I’m not sure I should leave you alone with him. The poor guy looked half ready to go against his oath.”

Steve chuckled and tried very hard not to think further about Dr. Barnes. He’d overthink their whole conversation, if you want to call it that, and then he’ll never get to sleep.

“Go now, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Oh you can be sure of that. Someone has to watch your ass or else you’d do something stupid. Goodnight Steve, see you in a few.”

And with that and a last grin Sam was out of the room, leaving Steve to himself. He knew that his brain wanted to think some more about the day he’s had but it was a quarter to 3 in the morning and he was thankfully starting to feel tired. He closed his eyes and dozed off in a matter of seconds.


	5. The art of overthinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: hospitals, anxiety, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

“Good morning!”

Steve opened his eyes with a grumble and blinked in the general direction of the voice ripping him from slumber. It was Dr. Barnes, looking just as good as the night before, albeit a little more tired.

“Is it morning?” He looked towards the window where the world was still left in darkness.

“Technically yes, I also have to check up on you every couple hours.”

“Oh okay”, Steve was too tired to continue their previous bickering. He sat up and watched, as the doctor came closer and put on his stethoscope.

He leaned forward and felt firm hands on his shoulders. The cool feeling of metal on his back made him hiss.

“Sorry”, Dr. Barnes mumbled and Steve realized that they were really close. Having a medical checkup was really uncomfortable when it was done by someone so pretty, he realized.

“’s fine, I’m just half-asleep.”

“Yeah, honestly same.”

“When’s your shift over?” Steve thought about their previous talk and squirmed in embarrassment. The young doctor seemed nice, we had been a dick.

“Ugh”, Dr. Barnes took a step back and checked his wrist watch. “ten hours.”

“Shit”, Steve chuckled, “doing nothing seems like heaven compared to that.” He took a break before continuing his apology. “I’m sorry about earlier. I just want to go home and forget about”, he gestured around the room, “this. I hate making people worry.”

There was a few seconds of silence, during which Steve studied the doctor’s face for a response. The other man finally nodded, lightly pouting as if he was in thought.

“I get it. I’m somewhat the same way. But working here showed me that taking care of people isn’t the burden people often think it is.”

“He said despite still having ten hours left in his shift.” Steve grinned and to his delight, the other man laughed as well.

“Yeah”, he scratched the back of his neck. Steve noticed that his hair looked even more disheveled than earlier.

“So when can I get out of here?” Steve was more awake now. He rubbed his eyes and looked towards the window again. The sun was slowly rising.

“In my professional opinion should stay another night.” Dr. Barnes sounded very stern all of sudden and gave Steve a hard look. You’re still breathing unevenly and that’s not good.”

“I’m sure it’ll even out. I just want to go home, doc.”

“I really think-“

Steve rolled his eyes, “please let me go home. I have someone to play guard dog there, I don’t need to be here for this.”

“I’m not a guard dog, I am your doctor”, he other man snapped, stunning Steve into silence for a second.

“Please”, he took a deep breath, “I’ll be fine. Okay? Promise.”

Dr Barnes rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Fine. You’re a pain in the ass patient anyways. But if you feel short of breath or get another attack you come straight back, alright? And get a refill on your inhaler. You got anyone to pick you up later?”

“Yeah”, Steve replied relieved, “my friend is picking me up. Thank you.”

“Uh-huh.” The young doctor cocked an eyebrow, “if I read in the paper that you died because you were to proud to head to a hospital I will kick your ass.”

“You still read papers? What are you? 60?”

His doctor snorted, which turned into a long yawn. Steve tried not to look at the lengthy figure stretching in front of him. “Don’t push it, punk”, Dr. Barnes said finally and got to the door. “I’ll sign your release slip. You’ll have to sign it too at the front desk. Try not fainting again while you’re there.”

Steve laughed and watched the other man leave the room before sighing and leaning back for another hour of sleep or so.

Next time he woke up, it was due to a nurse telling him that he could go home now. Steve got up with a tiny wince. Breathing hurt and he still had that headache. He put on his clothes, tried to somewhat flatten his hair and then got out into the busy hospital hallway.

He never liked hospitals. The sterile colors and harsh lights; it wasn’t his world. He never understood why people like working here. But then again they were helping others, so maybe the rest of it all didn’t matter to them.

At the front desk he could already see Sam waiting in the visitor’s area. He gave him a small wave and headed to the lady at the desk to sign the papers he needed to sign, thankful for the health care coverage he had. It was expensive but this way he’d only have to pay a small fee and then look out for any additional costs coming via mail, if there were any.

Because this country’s health care system is broken, he thought. Like so much else.

He shook off the familiar wave of coldness and tried thinking about something else. Sam was looking at his phone, giving Steve a blinding smile when he noticed that he was done.

“Hey there, you ready to leave?”

“Hell yes, but we gotta stop at the pharmacy, I need a refill.”

“Sure thing.” Sam stood up, “let’s go!”

Back at Steve’s place he was made very aware of the fact that Sam had not been kidding when he said he would watch Steve. He came home to a fully made up sofa, a stocked kitchen and Sam’s laptop set up on the table.

Steve liked his place. Sure it was small, but it was his. He had a main living room with a tall window opposite the entrance door, a tiny kitchen space to the left, as well as a bathroom and his bedroom to the right. He also really liked the fact that it was an old building, meaning that he was real wood floors and several exposed brick walls. It gave the place a homey feeling.

And now that Sam practically moved himself in, it looked even more so. He smiled.

“When did you do all this?”

“Eh”, Sam shrugged, “couldn’t really sleep so I headed out early to get everything we need and set up. Still gotta work, while I’m babysitting you.”

Steve breathed, “I don’t need a babysitter, just for the record.”

“Yeah you do, c’mon get on the couch. I’m making breakfast. You want something special? Else I’ll just get us some cereal.”

“Cereal’s fine. Thank you.”

Steve got his laptop and sat down at the couch, quickly putting it away before he could even load up Twitter. Today was a no news kinda day, he decided. It was egoistic, he knew that, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. His therapist told him that it was normal, healthy even, to continue one’s life whilst the world was burning for others. That always pondering about bad shit didn’t help anyone.

But it didn’t feel right. Not at all.

He spent the day doing nothing but watching Shows on Netflix with Sam. In the evening Sam worked, typing away silently on his laptop with headphones in, and Steve had nothing to do. His butt hurt from sitting, he was over watching stuff and he still didn’t want to open his laptop or switch on his phone.

So he did what he always did, when he had nothing to do but think too much. He got his sketchbook.

Nestling comfortably into the couch, he started drawing. The first sketches were from his living room. He sketched Sam, all focused on work, his table, the brick wall across him. And then he found himself sketching other things. The plaza yesterday, Nat carrying grocery bags, sitting on her balcony drinking white wine, and then Steve slipped and drew his doctor. He had no idea why, but he wanted to. The doctor was nice, and pretty. Mostly pretty. Steve was still unsure about the nice part. He was also condescending and weird and, again, very pretty.

Steve hated himself for being so shallow but he couldn’t help himself. He just had to draw this guy. The pouty lips and messy hair, slight stubble setting in after a long shift. He was gorgeous. Steve shut his sketchbook in shame. The doctor wasn’t the problem, he was. And he knew it. It was just easier to blame his freak-out’s on everybody else.

He decided to put the sketchbook away and instead do some schoolwork, even though he had to stand up for that, a fact that made Sam look up with a look that made it very clear that Steve had to find a way to paint sitting down. So he got himself a bar stool and started painting.

It was a nice painting. He had to do it for his class in modern American art; it was based on a life model. All that was left to do now was add details. Steve liked the way he captured the essence of the person in this one. Life models were tricky, but he was proud. It would hopefully get him an A as well, but he mostly wanted to please himself.

Yeah, he thought, looking over at Sam still working, now illuminated by the table lamp. He could do this. He could do this at least for tonight.


	6. Unsettling news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: epidemic-news, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

Come Monday Steve was determined to go to work no matter what.

“I gotta pay rent, Sam.”

His friend looked unimpressed. “So? I’ll chip in.”

“Yeah, no way that is happening. I’m going. It should only be a couple hours anyway. You’re going to bed sometime soon?”

It was very early in the morning and Steve initially thought he’d sneak right past Sam. But his friend had already been wide awake. Maybe he never even went to sleep. Steve hoped to god this wasn’t his fault.

“Nah”, Sam shrugged, “woke up after a couple hours and couldn’t sleep anymore. But it’s for the better; I got a paper due on French Extremity.”

“You what?” Steve stood still on his way to the door and looked back, his bag already around his shoulders. “Why are you writing about French Extremity?” Sam was a psychology major. French Extremity was a 21. century movement in film and media.

“You’re not the only one interested in media and art. Psychology and modern media go together quite well.” Sam laughed, “besides, I need the credits if I want to get that internship at the York Studio this summer.”

“Movie psychology and they tell me my degree is unnecessarily focused.” Steve grinned and waved goodbye, “See you in a bit!”

He loved going out when the sun was still down. Brooklyn was a tired, slow city in the early hours, leaving only a few people out and about. There was the post woman, a couple of construction workers and a lady walking her dog. Steve had to think about Jelly and smiled timidly. He had to text Carol later, he decided.

Still, while the city was beautiful, it was cold. Fresh, cool air hit his lungs with every step. It was more painful, than per usual and reminded him of his weekend. Steve sighted, today was gonna be a hell of a day.

Darcy was already there when he arrived. She had her work shirt tucked into a light wash pair of high waist jeans, hair tied back into a messy knot. Steve greeted her with a warm smile and went to the back to get out of his jacket. When he got back, Darcy was accompanied by Thor, their third colleague. He looked chipper as always, already taking out his x-acto knife to start unpacking the new products.

Steve joined their light conversation, as he started his usual work. First off was the breakfast isle. He unpacked cereal boxes and bars, glasses of jam and honey, granola, oats and more. Putting them all in their right shelve spaces was easy enough, once he memorized what was where. About an hour later he moved to tea and coffee, working closely with Thor who was just now getting to the milk.

He hummed along to the soft pop playing on the store radio, when suddenly something changed. The radio stopped for a second, before a voice started the usual ‘thank you for your business’-message, but something was different.

“To ensure that there is enough for every customer, this story will sell certain products in limited amounts. Please buy only what you need. The store will remain open for your business, to ensure a stable supply.”

Steve stared at the speaker above him. What the hell was that?

“Thor?” He waited for his coworker to stop what he was doing and turn around. “What was that message about? Why would people buy in bulk? Did I miss something?”

The tall blonde man nodded slowly, “yeah you did. You remember that virus that was reported in a couple countries?”

Steve thought back, he did. Just a few weeks ago it had hit Mexico. Back then he’d thought about all the refugees and felt bad, but he didn’t think too much of it. It was a virus described as something flue like.

“Yeah, I do”, he finally replied.

“Well, apparently it’s now here, too. People are going crazy. After you left on Friday, half the store was bought out. They’re hording toilet paper, yeast, milk, flour, rice, noodles”, he scoffed, “hell even the expensive stuff.”

Steve looked around. Everything seemed normal to him.

Darcy appeared next to him, rolling her eyes. “I hate everyone who bought too much. Come, look at my isles.”

He followed her to the baking isle and stopped dead in his tracks. The shelves, usually filled to the brim with flour, were empty. He took a step back and went into the rice and noodle isle, empty. Every last package was gone.

Holy hell.

“How did I miss this?” He mumbled to himself, slowly heading back to his work. He hadn’t checked his phone since Friday, but something like this would’ve reached him regardless, would it not?

No, it wouldn’t. Not after spending time with Nat and Sam. He cursed his friends for always avoiding bad news around him. This was relevant!

Steve returns to work, already over thinking the situation. Immediately his thoughts wandered to the refugees on the southern border and the ones coming towards turkey and Europe. The world wouldn’t care, when they got sick. And whilst he could go to the hospital, they couldn’t.

A stream of customers flooded in, distracting Steve momentarily. He hated it, when people disrupted his work. They didn’t recognize him as a person, more like interior of the store. A piece of furniture that was theirs to push out of the way when they wanted to reach something behind it. Annoyance rose up in his chest, almost replacing the dread from earlier. Almost.

He decided to check his phone and read up on the thing. So far it was clear that New York was going to be a cesspool with huge amounts of people and limited access to hospitals. A news video with lots of half knowledge ended with the appeal to stockpile food and water. It made him cringe, yeah this was bad. Fox News, he sighed, of course. He leaned against the wall of the break room, suddenly feeling very tired.

“What’s up?” Darcy prominently chewed her gum and crouched down to retie her shoe. They were finished for the day. Thor was already gone, leaving the two of them alone in the back.

“Fox News is telling people to buy in bulk. No wonder we’ve been getting so much traffic.”

“Oh shit, are they really?” She popped up and took a look at his phone. Steve heard her mumble “damn” under her breath.

They exchanged a long look, suddenly very aware of the long week ahead of them.

Back at home, Sam was deep at work and for a moment, Steve thought about confronting him with the news about the virus. He considered taking a shower or getting himself some breakfast. But then he just plopped down on his bed, taking out his phone, browsing the news.


	7. Another one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: anxiety, stress, pain, politics (refugees, abuse), virus, asthma, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

Monday evening, the world was normal.

Tuesday during work, a rumor about quarantine spread, apparently countries in Europe were now shutting down social interactions. People, afraid of being laid off, protested against it.

Wednesday made news with the first deaths in the States. Universities and most workplaces shut down.

Thursday shit hit the fan. Steve was getting ready for work, when his phone chimed.

“Shit”, he mumbled, causing Sam to yell “what now?” from the kitchen.

“They’re saying the virus may already be wide spread in parts of the States, since it takes a couple of weeks for symptoms to show. The major of New York is pushing for a city wide curfew. People are only going to be allowed to get groceries and work, if they qualify as essential workers.”

“Holy fuck”, Sam walked up to Steve, who was still reading the news report. “You alright? This is scary.”

“Yeah”, Steve nodded hastily. Too hastly.

“No you’re not.” Sam looked at him with furrowed brows. “You wanna call in sick? We could talk about this.”

Steve cleared his throat, “no, I gotta go to work. We’re already understaffed and people are buying shit like the world is gonna end which it quite possibly is.” He tried thinking of other reasons for not having to talk. Talking about it made it real, and he was afraid of it being real.

He saw Sam’s worry and sighted, rubbing his eyes. He was tired. Tired of worrying and seeing others worry. “Let’s talk about it later tonight, okay? I gotta go.”

At the door he turned around, “you planning on going home for the lock down?” How ridiculous it sounded, lockdown. It seemed unreal. Like an elaborated lie told by everyone to- to do what? Jesus, he felt like a conspiracy theorist.

“If you don’t mind I’d rather stay here? We’ve already been exposed to each other and you got faster internet. I have to attend zoom meetings now. Fuck my life.”

Zoom meetings. That one, he at least got to go around. He postponed most of his classes until the following semester, all but the one he was close to finishing. He couldn’t focus on online classes or zoom meetings. Actually, he couldn’t focus on school in total. It was too much. All he wanted to do was work, sleep and ignore the news as good as he could.

“Hey man, you ok?”

Steve, suddenly pulled from his dark place back into the conversation, cleared his throat and laughed nervously. “Yeah sure stay, I was only asking because I gotta know how much toilet paper to safe. It’s gone before nine most days and employees get to hold back what we need.”

“Nice.”

“Hmhm”, Steve didn’t want to think about the reason behind the panic buying. He was tired of it. This whole week had been exhausting and it was only Thursday.

*

His shift evolved into living hell about halfway through. He felt every step he took, his feet burned, his back ached and his head was pulsating with a deep pain.

When it finally stopped, he barely felt alive. Panting, he made it back to the break room and threw himself onto the next chair. A decision he immediately regretted.

“I will never stand up again.” He exclaimed to Darcy and Thor, both looking equally done with life.

“Feel you”, Darcy replied weakly, sitting down as well.

“I feel alright actually, just tired. The early mornings are killing my sleep rhythm.”

“God yeah, I kinda feel like they’re gonna keep it like this though, once all of this is over.” Darcy closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair.

“Probably, wouldn’t put it past them.” Steve exasperated, feeling terrible altogether. Not only was his body quitting on him, his mind had started getting foggy around noon and now he couldn’t grasp a single real thought.

“Imma head out, probably straight to bed. Tomorrow we have to do it all over again.” Thor groaned and headed to the door.

Darcy still had her eyes closed. Steve didn’t know what to say so he stayed quiet. He sure as shit wasn’t moving and Darcy didn’t look like she was planning on leaving soon. Sitting there, being quiet together, was sort of nice. After the day they’ve had anyways. 10 hours of straight up torture. More work than ever, more customers than ever and more empty shelves than ever.

After several minutes, Darcy finally spoke up again.

“Steve”, she dragged his name out, “do you mind if I stay over at yours today? I live so far away, can’t move and the thought of standing up at five in the morning to get to work is making me consider sleeping in here.”

Steve chuckled, a thing that made his chest hurt. “Sam is riding out the lockdown with me, but I have a big enough bed for him and me to share if you want to take the couch. But right now even my place seems too far away to take it.”

“Thanks, I would hug you but don’t think we’d survive.”

It took the both of them another twenty minutes to stand up, get their stuff and head out with their held back groceries.

Steve did not envy the cashier that checked them out, a young man that looked at them in envy when they finally headed out. 

The second they got to Steve’s apartment, they both immediately went for the couch, ignoring Sam, who seemed in a heated discussion on zoom.

“Is he working?” Darcy whispered with a grin.

“Yeah”, Steve briefly leaned forward to catch a glimpse of his friend, “at least I think so.”

“… No. No! Carmen stop talking I wanna get a word in! No. No. No! Yes, but the theorists did consider that and… Jesus Carmen can you n…”

Steve laughed way too loud, earning a disapproving look from Sam, who seemed distressed.

“Alright then, let’s say we… Usher I was talking to… No! No. Oh my god, can please only one person talk at a ti… No!” He groaned and rolled his eyes. “Guys? Guys! Can you hear me? I can’t hear you!”

Now it was Darcy’s turn to bark out a laugh. Steve noticed that she was bride red.

“That was someone in the room with me not me, I am not laughing about your theory Stan. Calm down. Where is Professor Coulson?”

Steve stood up with shaky legs and headed to the bathroom. Or well, he tried. As soon as he approached the door he was held aback by Sam’s hectic motions, gesturing him to stay back.

“Dude, I gotta pee.” Steve whispered. Sam ignored him.

“Alright, so nobody knows where our professor is? Great. Did somebody check if he wrote something in the chat?”

“Sam!” Steve really had to pee. He didn’t get why Sam wouldn’t want him to walk in the back of his video. It was a college class, nobody would give a damn.

“Shut up Steve! No, I didn’t kick anybody, I don’t have the rights to. I’m guessing someone… No. No Steve I wasn’t talking to you but my friend. No. Not that you aren’t my friend I’m just here with someone and… No Cherry, I am not breaking the law. First off, you are still allowed to visit people. Secondly, I am temporarily living with him to… Jesus Stan no I am not gay.”

Sam pulled out his earplugs and let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his temple.

“Can I go pee now? In my own bathroom?” Steve hissed.

“Yeah sure go ahead, I logged off. Turns out everyone in my class is a shit head and the professor left thirty minutes ago when the seminar ended but we didn’t notice.”

“Cool”, Steve said coldly, finally going to the bathroom.

“Did you bring in a stray?” Sam’s voice suddenly sounded much more light.

“Oh shut up Sam”, Darcy replied.

Steve could hear their smiles on their faces.

When he got out, the both of them had moved to the kitchen and Steve face planted himself onto the couch.

“Whadayouguysmakin?” He tried shouting.

“What?” Sam appeared in front of the sofa and smiled softly.

Steve propelled himself up just enough to speak more clearly. “I asked, what you two are making. You’re prepping Dinner, right?”

“Oh yeah”, his friend scratched the back of his head, “I was actually just fixing us all some wine, I thought we could order in?”

“Chinese?” Steve was not surprised. Sam had no idea how to cook anything, and he never before hung out with Darcy like this, so he had no idea if she was a good cook.

“Sure thing. You wanna make room for us?”

“If I must!” Steve dramatically turned over, laughing, before sitting up normally.

Darcy was very enthusiastic about ordering Chinese food and sixty minutes later they had a vast variety of food in front of them and Steve finally felt normal again. His back wasn’t aching anymore and his feet were still burning, but he was confident, that he would be alright tomorrow.

“How are you dealing with this virus thing, by the way?” Darcy asked, prompting dread to shoot through Steve’s stomach.

“Good of you to ask. I’ve been meaning to get to that topic, actually.” Sam shot Steve a look and continued, “I’ve temporarily moved here and all my classes are online, you’ve seen how good that works out. I also lost my job, so that sucks. But I got some commissions from my Professors to proof read their texts, so that I can keep on eating.”

“That is super nice of your professors, wow!” Darcy was gleaming, Sam was smiling and Steve? He tried hard, not to spiral. The sudden change in topics made his mind spin. He was also noticing, how much of a dick he’d been. Sam just lost his job and here he was, focused on his own shit as usual.

“What about you Darcy?” Sam asked.

“Oh you know, more work. Crazy how much the world has changed in a week. I don’t really take classes right now, so at least that’s chill. But the social thing, I am honestly a little scared. And skeptical. No social interactions mean total isolation for me, I live alone. And allowing a lockdown leads to what? Police roaming around, telling people to stay inside? Where is the line there? How much more power are we willing to give them?”

“Yeah I feel you on that one. Also neighbors ratting each other out is a terrible concept, but it will eventually happen. I feel super shitty for you guys, once the lockdown is final, people are going shopping for the sole reason of being allowed to go outside.”

Steve was breathing. So there was that. But he felt paralyzed during their discussion. Unable to move, really. Thankfully, none of them noticed.

“On the other hand we do have the responsibility to protect our weaker links. But for how long is that realistic? People don’t have money, stores will go out of business. We need money and infrastructure and – and what about the people in the health sector? How long are we forcing them to work overtime?”

“We need more than one solution, that’s for sure. There are a billion things to do and we have no idea how long this will last. I’ve read that other countries are planning to end their lockdown already, others want to double the time limit. Before easter, during easter, after easter – I’ve heard it all.”

“Steve, what do you think?”

Suddenly he felt two pairs of eyes on him. Shit. This was it, he had to say something. Make it real. Hopefully not fuck everything he’s worked for the last month up.

“I am just”, he breathed, “tired.”

Darcy nodded, “understandable.”

“It’s a lot and part of me is telling me that it’s not real. That it won’t last long, but a week at most. I can’t think about the future, because there might not be one anytime soon. Maybe we’re all stagnating like this, for months, years even. That’s-“

“Scary”, Sam completed his sentence. “Yeah, I’m scared, too.”

“’m just glad, that we are in such a privileged position.”

“Privileged?” Sam snorted bitterly, “you work yourself to death, I’m out of a job, we’re both still dirt poor in the city that shapes out to be the epicenter of the country and the States are not exactly known for their good health care system. How are we privileged right know?”

Steve scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. Was that really how Sam thought or was it just his way of keeping the discussion going? He was known for taking sides he usually didn’t agree with for the sake of a livelier argument.

“What about everyone else, though, Sam?” Steve unintentionally raised his voice. “This is scary for us, sure, but what about people without access to clean water, hospitals and what about the many suffering from domestic abuse? Locking them in at home is practically sentencing them to suffer or even die! This is so much bigger than me and you and frankly the whole damn country. I can’t sleep, not really. I am constantly tired and worn out from worry. And then I remember the refugees, the ones on our border and the ones in Europe. How they are being kept and denied help until we’ve recovered and then, when we can focus again, the right wing and conservatives are going to argue that we shouldn’t help them because they’ll bring back the virus with them.”

Steve was breathing hard, his lungs burning. He saw that Sam wanted to answer, but before that could happen, his friend noticed, that Steve couldn’t breathe. Oh, he couldn’t breathe. That was happening.

Not fucking again, Steve thought. He forced himself to take slow breaths, already seeing Sam reach for his phone to call for help. Fucking hell, he’d never live this down. Two attacks in one week, Nat and Sam would hover over him like never before.

Nat, he suddenly realized that he never returned her texts from the start of the week. He didn’t even check in on her. And she didn’t check in on him. Did something happen? The worry about his friend distracted him enough, that he didn’t even notice his breathing normalizing. He was just suddenly able to breathe again.

“It‘s fine, Sam. It’s over.”

“You’re still going to the hospital.”

“No! Really, just hand me my inhaler and I’ll be fine.”

“No fucking way”, Sam looked serious. I just called Nat, she said to drop by now.”

“Oh, so she’s working?” Steve tried distracting Sam, but the other man was putting on his shoes, urging Steve to do the same.

“Yeah”, he replied, “she’s been working all week. Didn’t have a free second. People are coming in because of every cough and running nose. They’re scared.”

Steve fished his shoes from the floor and looked up, “yeah so are we. I am fine, Sam. Let’s not give them more work.”

“Not working. Darcy, you good to stay here?”

“Sure Sam, I’ll clean this up.” She looked at the mess on the coffee table and then back at Steve, worried. He always made everyone worry.

“Hospitals are cesspits! If we catch it, we’ll catch it there!”

“Nonesense, we’ll be careful and you won’t have to wait too long, she asked in a favor with a doctor to see you right now. Free of charge.” Sam chose a tone that made it very clear, that he was no longer having a friendly discussion. He was giving orders now.

“This is ridiculous, Sam.” Steve tried one last time, before reluctantly following his friend outside. This was really happening again. He remembered the last time vividly. It had been beyond embarassing. 

He just hoped it wouldn’t be the same doctor as last time.


	8. Everybody needs help sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: hospitals, anxiety, asthma, war, doctors, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

Of fucking course.

Steve cursed out every god(dess) he knew of, when he saw the familiar doctor come to his booth in the emergency room. His face seemed to speak for itself.

“Somebody’s not happy to be back!” Dr. Barnes looked like he got some sleep since the last time Steve had been here. He looked good, a wide grin spread across his face as he reached out to shake Sam’s hand. Steve was almost shocked, when the doctor turned to shake his.

“He’s been grumpy the whole way here, but with everything going on, I thought we should come here.”

“Yeah, that’s what Nat said to me, he’s real lucky, too. I just started my shift and have some time.”

He knew Nat? Steve furrowed his brows, of course he did. They both worked here, Nat was a staple at this place.

“He really is, knowing people on the staff is super helpful.”

“I am sitting right here.” Steve hated it, when people talked about him, like he wasn’t in the same room as them. He looked back and forth between his friend and his doctor. “Can we get this over with? It’s really not that bad.”

“Two attacks in one week?” Dr. Barnes took his stethoscope to listen to Steve’s breathing and Steve once again hissed against the cold metal. The other man was very close to him, it would just take a little tilt of the head and their faces would be right next to each other. Steve berated himself for being such a fool.

When the doctor stopped listening, Steve leaned back and cooled the sides of his face with the palms of his hands to prevent them from becoming flushed.

“Happened before.” He shrugged and Sam sighted.

“When was the last time?” Dr. Barnes pulled out a clipboard and started checking boxes. For the first time, Steve had the opportunity to take a long look. For art reasons, he told himself.

“I dunno”, Steve mumbled. But he knew. 7 years ago. He didn’t want to tell them that, though.

“Right, so we’ll have to figure out why this is happening. With all that’s happening, you are at high risk.” Steve looked at the floor. “Any construction zones out front of your house? New flowerbeds? Any animals?”

Steve shook his head. “Well a friend of a friend of mine has this very cute new dog, but I’ve never reacted to dogs that way.”

Dr. Barnes sighted and scratched the back of his head. “Can you think of anything else?”

“Sometimes these attacks can have psychological reasons, right?” Sam chimed in and Steve turned around abruptly to glare at him. He was not really dragging his mom into this, was he?

“Very rarely, but yeah. Especially anxiety can lead to insufficient breathing and then that snowballs into a full blown asthma attack. Good thinking.”

Steve could feel their eyes on him. He looked up and met the doctor’s gaze. “It’s not that.”

“Steve please, maybe he can-“

“No Sam.” Steve was still holding eye contact with his doctor. If his anxiety was at fault, that meant that his mother’s death was the cause and that would put the blame on his mom and he would not accept that. It had to be something else. And besides, he was finally getting better, right?

Steve knew deep down, that this was a load of bullshit. He’d gotten these attacks when he was aggravated, barely breathing due to anxiety. But he couldn’t tell them that.

Dr. Barnes finally broke their eye contact after several very long, very uncomfortably silent seconds and nodded. “Sam? Would you mind waiting in the cafeteria? I’ll do some more checks and deliver him to you when we’re done.”

“Yeah sure, if it’s alright for Steve?”

“Of course, see you in a bit Sam.” Steve felt the pressed smile on his face, as he watched Sam leave.

He was taken aback by Dr. Barnes immediate chance of body language. It was like took down a wall. The doctor sat down and looked at him with a very stern look that made Steve feel like he was in third grade and had gotten in trouble for something.

“Okay Steve, let’s cut the crap. I know you know what is causing these attacks and I really need you to tell me. Now”, he waved off Steve’s try to talk back, “I know your friends a little, especially Nat and I get, why you wouldn’t want to appear weak in front of them. Hell, one time I got sick and Nat called every 2 hours to make sure I take my medicine. They are a lot. But you probably know, what’s happening right now. There is a real danger you’ll get the virus and if that happens and we still haven’t gotten your asthma under control, it could do lasting damage on your lungs and maybe even kill you. And I swear, when I see your skinny ass getting ventilated soon, I will be worse than Nat and Sam combined. I will torture you personally by constantly telling you I told you so. It will be hell. Am I clear?”

Steve managed to nod weakly.

“Good, now please tell me about your anxiety. I’m guessing that’s the reason for the attacks.”

“Yeah”, Steve had no idea what to say. His doctor was right. He was being a baby, and a dramatic one at that. In his quest to not cause drama he was doing precisely that. “I couple months ago”, he paused, “something happened and I was in pieces. I put a lot of that on Sam and Nat, which is why I don’t want to do that again. I can’t do that again.”

The doctor nodded and Steve took a deep breath. It hurt a little. That was not good. “I’ve been getting an awful lot of anxiety ever since, I can barely look at the news sometimes. When I get angry or really sad or just anxious, it’s harder focusing on breathing.”

That was it. The whole thing. He was broken and now his doctor knew and he’d judge or worse – feel sorry for him. Steve could only imagine, what this whole thing must look like for him. A scrawny kid fainting in the main hall, fighting help, coming back barely a week later, refusing help again and being an all round dramatic ass bitch.

He wasn’t getting better.

“I get it.” Dr. Barnes said slowly and carefully.

“Yeah right.” Steve did not meet his eyes and wanted to take back the comment the second he said it. He had no idea what was going on in the life of his doctor. But he looked good and was a doctor, so how bad could it really be.

“No I really do.” Steve looked up and mustered the other man, he seemed off. Not like a doctor, more like a young boy recalling a memory. “Lost my mom back in ’09, my dad’s a deadbeat. I got into the military to finance my degree in medicine and got drafted my third year and things went wrong. Now I cannot take of my gloves in front of patients or else they freak out and when I hear fireworks I cry.”

Steve blinked. Oh. He was such an asshole.

“What?” He purposely avoided looking at the hands of his doctor. He could only imagine, what the other man meant by that.

“Yeah I thought since we’re sharing.” The doctor shrugged and smiled. He smiled like Steve hadn’t just been a massive asshole.

“Now I feel even worse! I am here getting my drama on, meanwhile you sit there with the worst life story I’ve ever heard!” Steve tried fixing the situation with humor and prayed to god it would work. And it did.

“Hey! My life’s not that bad! At least I’m cute.” Dr. Barnes winked at Steve and he almost had another heart attack right then and there.

He pushed out a shaky laughter, “true. But”, he clicked his tongue nervously, “then you get it right? Always being the one with the drama is exhausting for anyone else. I can’t put my friends to that over and over again. So-“

“You tough it out. Yeah I get it.” He was smiling again. “You getting any medication for that anxiety?”

“No, not anymore. I took some strong stuff the first weeks, but I hated the loss of control and my psychologist told me-“ he suddenly remembered what she told him and felt his cheeks turn bride red. “Oh shit.”

“What did she tell you?” Dr. Barnes grinned.

“She told me to watch my breathing because it could spiral into an asthma attack.” He looked at his feet and wanted to die.

“Alright”, Dr. Barnes’ laughter filled the space between them and Steve didn’t want the moment to end. It felt good, talking to someone who gets it. “You should talk to her about getting this under control. There are meds that are less strong. I also would like to check in with you regularly, ‘till the virus-thing is over. You are high risk and I’m getting the feeling, telling you to stay home won’t stop you from working.”

Steve wanted to talk back, but they both knew that Dr. Barnes was right.

“Here”, the other man held out a piece of paper, “my phone number. Call me if you get lightheaded or of the asthma is getting worse again. I will check in with Nat so if you don’t text or if you lie to me you will probably get killed by an angry Russian lady.”

Steve nodded.

“Okay?” The doctor stood up and smiled timidly. “You’re not alone with this. I can’t watch the News Channel, too. You’re just being a bit of a jackass about it.”

“Okay. And thank you Dr. Barnes. This was really helpful.” He gave him a tiny smile.

“James”, the doctor replied, “my name is James. And you’re welcome, Steve. Everybody needs help sometimes. Now c’mon, let’s find Sam.”


	9. Sam and Nat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are all doing well!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: hospitals, anxiety, alcohol, explicit language, death, trauma, depression, virus-talk, drugs
> 
> Revised: no

The coffee in the cafeteria tasted like charcoal stirred around in hot water. Sam had no idea, how long he sat there and waited. It couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes, but it felt like a small eternity.

“Hey nerd!” Natasha lightly pressed his shoulder as she passed him and sat down on the opposite side of the table, a much better smelling mug in her hand.

“Where’d you get that coffee?” Sam blinked into the late afternoon sun and gave his friend a warm smile.

“Staff’s got their own machine. This torture”, she nodded towards Sam’s papercup, “is for guests and suckers only.” She grinned and took a sip of her own.

“Damn, you think you could hook me up?” He groaned playfully and rubbed his face.

Nat slid her cup towards him. “Take mine. My shift just ended and if I drink all of this I won’t be able to get a good nights sleep and god knows I need it.”

He thankfully took the cup and took a sip, closing his eyes in appreciation. Ah yes, the good shit. Sam took his time to take a long look at his friend. She looked tired, of course she did. Nat was a hero. Saving lives, working hard to make sure that people get to go home again.

He sighed, “thank you. I needed this. How are you?”

Nat blinked a few times, like she was taken aback by the question. Figures, Sam thought, nobody asks the people working in a hospital how they are doing. It’s all about the patients here.

“I’m fine, I think. It’s been bad, this last week. People are getting sick by the thousands and we’ve lost out first one to the virus yesterday. She was nice, had like ten grandkids in the waiting room.” She stopped and Sam could see her process something. He wondered if she had cried about that woman. Nat was someone who kept her cool a lot, but Sam knew that her emotions ate away at her sometimes. She just didn’t show it.

“We also have too little supplies. People are stealing our masks and disinfectant so the surgeons have to postpone regular surgeries.”

“Really?” Sam felt himself grow angry, “what pisspot kinda person does shit like that?”

“People are scared”, Nat shrugged, “I get that. Just wish they would think more about other people.” She sighted and smiled, “well, it is what it is.”

Sam shifted in his seat, “yeah. It is what it is.”

“Hey”, Sam saw worry form on Nat’s face, “how’s Steve? Is he alright? He hasn’t texted me back for days and now this, I-”

Sam held up his hand to stop her, “he’s fine. Working an awful lot, but he’s doing ok. I’m there all the time to keep an eye on him.”

“And because your kitchen is tiny and unusable.”

He laughed, “yeah and that. But really, he’s doing better. It’s just his damn mind. The anxiety is pushing him and then he gets all riled up and stops breathing. The little asshole doesn’t want to admit it though. I just hope your doctor friend is keeping him in check right now.”

“Oh he’s with Barnes?” Nat grinned, “I originally wanted to set them up but Barnes told me Steve hates him.”

“You did? Oh Nat, as if little Stevie could ever get it on with someone who has the legal right to tell him what to do.”

Nat laughed, throwing her head back, “yeah you’re right, I wasn’t thinking.”

“No maybe you were right, I’ve been waiting half an hour now and they’re still not here.” He cocked and eyebrow suggestively.

“Uh, that’s interesti- ah nevermind, there they are.”

Sam turned around and saw the pair walk towards them. Steve nodded towards them and smiled. Seems like leaving them alone was a good idea. They looked good together, he had to give Nat that. Small blonde Steve and tall dark doctor.

His phone buzzed. Oh shit. He’d forgotten about Darcy.

“Hey, you okay?” Sam smiled apologetically to Steve and the doctor as they joined them on their table.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I raided your snack cabinet though.” Darcy sounded chipper.

“That’s fine. we’ll be home soon and I can drive you to your place if you want to.”

“Oh yeah, that’s fine.” The hesitation in her voice was clear. Sam smiled. “But, um thank you. See you in a bit.”

They all looked at him.

“Was that Darcy?” Steve took the good coffee cup and took a sip, causing both Nat and the doctor to raise their eyebrows.

“Steve you really shouldn’t-“

“Shut up James, Sam, was that Darcy?” So they were on a first name base now, huh? Maybe Nat really was onto something. Steve ignored the doctor and gave Nat a dark look, before focusing on Sam again.

“Yeah that was Darcy”, Sam grinned at the exasperated faces to Steve’s sides, “I think you’re gonna have to get the air mattress out though.”

“Is everyone just camping at my place now?” The blonde sighted, but Sam knew that Steve really didn’t mind.

“Hey James, how you’re doing?” Nat changed the subject.

“Fine, shift’s starting in a bit so I’ll have to leave you soon.” The doctor – James – smiled. He had a really nice smile.

Sam tried containing his surprise. James said his shift had just started, when they came in. So he got here sooner than he had to when Nat called him. Shit, if Steve wouldn’t jump on this, he’d might try to get a date with him. Sam looked over to his friend. The poor boy didn’t seem to connect the dots.

“Night shift huh? Sucks.” Nat gave James a compassionate look.

“Yeah, you just got out right? You ok?” Sam saw that James really cared. He was solely focused on Nat. He caught Steve staring at the doctor as well and bit back a grin. His friend looked at him and blushed, taking another sip of the coffee. 

“Hmhm I’m fine”, Natasha nodded, “but I’m working nights this weekend.”

“Me too!” The doctor exclaimed. “Drinks after work on Sunday?”

“I got Monday off so I’m on. Well”, she looked around the table, “have a good shift. Hope it’s quiet.”

James smiled and waved to the group, “Steve don’t forget our agreement, alright?”

“Yes mom”, Steve rolled his eyes but he was smiling. Sam gave Nat a meaningful look.

“Can we leave now? I got work tomorrow.”

Nat clicked her tongue but didn’t say anything. Every objection to that statement would result in a fight and they were all too tired for that.

“Yeah buddy, just gimme a sec with Nat?”

“Sure thing, I’ll wait at the car.”

“Actually, could you guys drive me home?” Nat emptied the shitty coffee and then the good one, getting ready to clean up their table. Sam grinned, so much for a good nights sleep.

“Sure, we’ll be right behind you Steve.”

When he was sure their friend was gone, Sam leaned over the table with a serious face, “you were very right.”

“I know. But just so we’re clear what am I right about?”

“Steve and James. Your doctor friend came in early to help Steve out.”

“Did he?” She took a second to think about it, “oh yeah you’re right. He did.” She grinned. “I got good instincts man!”

“You really do. Too bad Steve won’t see it that way.”

“James thinks Steve hates his guts. That man is really bad at shooting his shot and we both know Steve won’t to shit.” Nat had a dangerous look on her face.

“You’re planning something and I am very ready to see it.” Sam laughed. “But if it doesn’t work out you can casually drop my phone number to that doctor. I won’t be mad.”

“He is one fine example of the human species”, she hummed.

“C’mon”, Sam said laughing, “let’s get our man child home.”

*

The ride home was a silent one. They were all tired and worn out from the day. Nat got off first, waving them goodbye. She opened her front door and frowned. The elevator was out. Great, just great.

Every bone in her body was aching and she had another couple of workdays in front of her. This damn virus was ruining everything. Her life had just gotten good again. She finally finished her studies, got something you could call a stable relationship (not that she would ever call it that but oh well) and got this really nice place she loved. And now this was happening. More work than ever, less social life than ever and a constant slight headache.

She made it to her floor and finally collapsed on her couch. She shouldn’t. She really shouldn’t. But the first move she made after propping herself up was to get a tall glass with some vodka and a lemon in it. This situation was going to make her an alcoholic if she wasn’t careful. And she wasn’t the only one.

Steve was right in his ways of overthinking, but his execution was lacking. Right, she took a sip of her drink, like she was one to judge. She was drinking, Clint was smoking weed, Steve was getting panic attacks – they all suffered from this. He was unlucky enough to have had a bad mental state even before this, so it hit him differently.

She got that. But she knew Steve didn’t know that she did. He pushed people away because in his mind he was the only one with drama.

Nat groaned and put the TV on as background noise. Enough thinking, more drinking. She sniggered to herself and thought about what to eat. She still had some leftovers from what Clint cooked the other night. But then again she didn’t feel any hunger. She didn’t feel anything but the sobbing pain in her feet.

She checked her phone and smiled. James was texting her from work. She wrote back to call her, when he had a second and got up, groaning, to get herself some food. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t hungry. She had to eat. Her damn education told her that.

When the smell of fried rice filled her apartment she finally felt her appetite return. Two episodes of Dexter, a very large portion of rice and two more glasses of vodka later her phone rang. Nat put the TV on silent before picking up to a familiar voice.

“Hey Nat!”

“Hey there busy bee”, she wasn’t quite drunk, but well on her way to it.

“Are you drunk?” James was laughing.

“Tipsy at best. How are you holding up?”

“It’s mayhem. We’ve got a tourist group that went to Mexico last week. They’re all sick. 25 people of which we have to ventilate at least half and we’ve got no room, no way of helping them really.”

“Shit”, that sobered her up. “They need more people there?”

“Not people that are drunk.”

“Tipsy!”

He laughed again, “right, tipsy. But seriously, prepare for something bad tomorrow.”

“Shit”, she rubbed her eyes, “We’re gonna be so tired.”

“Indeed.” James replied.

“What begs the question: Why did you come in before work today to meet with Steve? Sam said they easily could’ve waited another half hour.”

“Well”, he hesitated, “you asked for a favor and I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t rush things with him. He is one stubborn guy.”

“That he is”, she smiled, “thank you James.”

“Bucky.”

Nat stayed silent for a few heartbeats, waiting for an explanation. “Bucky?” She finally repeated confused.

“People I like call me Bucky, it’s an old nickname.”

Oh. “Alright Bucky. Thanks for including me in that list.” Her goblin brain decided to ruin the moment, “so does Steve call you Bucky, too?”

“Yeah no. Guy still hates me, but I can’t blame him for it.”

“He’s special. It takes some time to get through to him.”

“I like him. He’s a pain in the ass, but I think I got him today.”

“Really”, she took another sip of vodka, “what’d you do?”

“I opened up. Figured the way to get him to look out for himself is to show him that he’s not the only one struggling.”

Nat spit up her drink. Coughing, she got up and tried cleaning herself up.

“You alright?” James sounded worried.

“Yeah, sorry. Just some um water got down the wrong path.”

“Water, right.”

“Shut up”, she was able to let out a rough laugh, “I was just shocked on how you handled this. Are you this considerate with your other patients?”

“Of course! It’s just easier when they’re cute.”

“Oh! I see!” She congratulated herself on her own instincts.

“I can hear you smirk, stop that!”

“I will not.”

“Doesn’t matter anyways, as I said: He hates me. And I’m fine with that. I’m very cute, I got options.” He laughed.

“Yeah I might have a backup for you”, Natasha joked, but her mind was racing.

“Hold your horses please, I don’t have any time for stuff like that anyways. I gotta get back to work.”

“Alright, talk to you soon. And thank you again for what you did today.”

“Anytime Nat.”

She leaned back with a sigh and remembered why she wanted to pair up Steve and Bucky in the first place. Trauma. They both went through a lot, she knew that, and she had hoped they might see that, too. And she was right.

Smiling, she put away her dirty dishes and crashed on her bed, hoping for a nice couple hours of sleep. She would need it.

*

Sam’s day started with the sound of two people getting dressed and drinking half a cup of coffee before hastily leaving for work. The sun was just starting to rise when he decided that sleep wasn’t happening anymore.

They didn’t even try to be quiet. But that was okay. It was better for him to wake up early. The world was standing still, but that didn’t mean he had to. Routine is what keeps a mind together.

He could not slip, not even for a day. Steve and Nat knew that he battled depression when he was younger. Studying the human mind, learning how to help other people – that was, what his life was now about. And it was all going to be fine.

He chucked a glass of water and went on a run. The neighborhood was quiet. There were a couple of cats walking around and another guy was running across the street in the opposite direction. It was gonna be a hot day.

His route led him a couple blocks down to McCarren Park for a few laps. He crossed the street to the MOFAD and then back up past the Lilia, a place where they ate a lot. It was closed due to the virus. He headed back up to Bedford Avenue and was finally across the corner from Steve’s place.

It wasn’t a long run, but he was out of breath afterwards and in dire need of a shower. The water came out cold, like it did so often, but that was fine. He needed a cold shower anyways. After he got dressed, he cleaned the apartment. There were some pizzaboxes, takeout, a lot of used glasses, some plates and a few loose pieces of paper. After getting that done he checked the clock and decided that it was early enough to torture the neighbors with the sound of the vacuum cleaner.

He made himself some oatmeal and sat down at the table by the window with his laptop. It was almost 8:30 am, time for his first class of the day. Half the class was missing, because they were close to finishing their medical training and had to help out. It was weird, to say the least.

Professor Fury walked them through his presentation and Sam tried keeping up, but without the direct input of the other class, it was hard. He soon drifted off, until he was asked a direct question.

“What? Yes sorry, could you repeat that?”

“We were talking about ‘Sex Education’ as a media example of ways to lower the rate of depression in LGBT+ teenagers. I asked your opinion, since your essay on the issue was making an interesting point about the correlation between representation and mental illness in the female Afro-American community.”

“Right”, he was such a bad student. The Professor asked him specifically about his opinion and he wasn’t listening. “I’m sorry.”

“No worries, it’s natural to wander off in a situation like this. It’s not your fault.”

Sam smiled in the camera, “thank you.” He was right. Sam took a couple of breaths before formulating his answer.

The seminar ended soon after. Sam stared at his monitor until the screen went black. He snapped back into reality, not knowing what he was thinking about before.

He was getting better at being alone with his thoughts, but sometimes he still had these moments, where he couldn’t process them correctly and got lost. When he was with people, he had no such problems. And he was working on it. But he knew that isolation and more free time weren’t going to help.

And neither was the fact that he had no real job right now. Money was always on his mind. He had no idea how to tell Steve that he had to give up his place a couple of days ago. His furniture was in Natasha’s basement. He wanted to tell his best friend that, but how could he? Steve was going through enough, he wasn’t in the position to help Sam sort out his stuff. And besides, it was going to be fine.

He grabbed himself another cup of coffee and sat down to get some work done. He wrote his transcript for the seminar, read a couple pages of the dissertation he helped proof reading and updated his to do list. At 11 am he had another class, this one didn’t require him to participate so he was busy taking notes until half past 12. He made himself some quinoa salad and put away enough for tomorrows lunch, before he sat down at the open window with his phone, lunch and a big glass of soda.

He was keen on being healthy but soda was his weak spot. If he wouldn’t check himself, he could easily drink a two liter bottle a day. Hell, some days he did just that.

His phone showed a couple of missed messages. One from Steve, telling him they’d be home no sooner than 4 pm. Sam felt bad for them. He was sitting around all day, meanwhile they were out there all day making sure that society didn’t collapse. All of his friends did that, matter of fact. Nat was saving lives, Steve was helping with the infrastructure and his friends from school were all helping in hospitals or working other essential jobs. He closed Steve’s message to stop the guild and saw that Nat texted as well.

‘Chaos has broken loose, I’m dead. Send help.’ That was 9 am.

And then another one 11:10 am: ‘Haven’t had a break in 6 hours. Hate to ask but could you pick me up at 2:30? I have to get groceries and I cannot walk anymore.’

He quickly replied ‘yes’ and set a timer for 2 pm. That left him with a bit more to work on his projects and answer some e-mails.

Come 2pm he got his keys and went down to the car that was still standing outside. Might as well, he was the one driving everyone around all the time.

He got to the hospital with 15 minutes to spare and wandered back to the cafeteria to pass the time with terrible coffee. He encountered a friendly face sitting right next to the entrance.

“Hey James.”

“Oh hey Sam, good to see you! You here with Steve? Something wrong?” His face went from happy to worried in mere moments.

“All good man, I’m just getting Nat.” Sam raised his hands and smiled.

“Thank god, I had very little sleep and could not fire on his back sarcastic comments.” James smiled his very nice smile and looked at the seat opposite of him. “You wanna sit down?”

“Yeah thanks. You working earlier today?”

“I got here early because a big group of infected patients came in yesterday. I get off earlier too, though. So I might be able to sleep a full night, which is nice.”

“Man I am so sorry about the shit you guys go through right now.” Sam shifted in his chair, avoiding the guild about his calm life.

“What are you dealing with? Online classes?”

James locked eyes with Sam and he felt the direct opposite of being judged. This guy must be a fantastic doctor. “Yeah”, he finally said, “I lost my job, my apartment and now I try keeping busy but it’s not-“ he stopped himself. What was he doing? Complaining to someone working basically 24/7? “I’m sorry, I complain about having nothing to do I don’t want to look like the kind of guy feeling sorry for himself whilst you are here every day.”

“Don’t apologize!” James leaned back in his plastic chair. “Please, we all struggle in our own ways right now. I would go crazy if I couldn’t work. As exhausting as the job is, routine is, what keeps me together.”

Sam smiled. He gets it, he thought.

“And losing your job and your home that is a huge psychological pressure point. You live with Steve now?”

“Yeah but he doesn’t know it yet. I don’t want to burden him with my bullshit.”

James laughed, “you guys all have that in common, you know that?”

Sam thought about that for a second. “I guess you’re right.” He made a mental note to talk about that with Nat and Steve next time they all got together.

“Hey guys”, Nat approached the table and gave Sam an apologetic look. “Sorry, forgot to hook you up with the good coffee.”

“It’s fine, I had good company waiting for you.” Sam smiled at James, who looked genuinely happy.

“Sam”, Nat gave him half a hug and sat down next to him, “how’s Steve?”

“Working since half past 6. He’s not home ‘till 4 at best.”

Both medical professionals let out a groan.

“You guys let him go to work?”

“Hey you’ve met him. Tell that guy to stay home and he’ll work twice as hard just to spite you.” Sam looked at the table. James was right. He and Nat let Steve do dangerous stuff to avoid arguing.

“You’re right. Sorry. It’s not your fault. You’re just reacting.”

“No you’re right.” Nat nodded, “I’ll talk to him and try to at least limit his hours. With a doctor’s note his boss shouldn’t put up a fight and Steve will be convinced easier if he’s still working.”

“I don’t think so. He doesn’t want his colleagues to work longer because of him. But we can try.”

“If you need that note you come right to me. I’d be happy to help and he already doesn’t like me so no other doctor will have to endure his very precise verbal shots.”

That got a barking laugh out of Nat, Sam grinned too.

“Alright, I’m gonna get you home now. See you around James.” Sam stood up and waited for Nat to follow suit. James shook his hand goodbye and waved Natasha, as they left the cafeteria.

*

They stopped at a small grocery store. It took them almost an hour to get out again. They each had to get a shopping cart and had to stay away from everyone else. With a wait to get inside, a lot of waiting around in the store in order to pass people and a wait at the register, Nat was exhausted when they were finally back at her place.

She invited Sam up and soon they were sitting on her balcony with wine and some grapes to share.

“A little early for a drink”, Sam said and took a sip of wine, making Nat smile.

“Time does not exist right now, Sam.” She really felt that way. She had no idea why, but it felt like time didn’t move right now. It was making it hard to breathe.

“I’m coping by sticking to a ridiculous time schedule.” He toasted a dove flying by and looked around the landscape of windows and balconies across Natasha’s apartment.

“I work and when I don’t work I drink.” Sam cocked his head and looked at her with worry behind his eyes. “Don’t worry”, she smiled, “I don’t overdo it, I always eat and I know my limit. But yeah, it’s scary to think how many people are in a position like us.”

“Coping isn’t easy.” Sam shook his head. “How’s Clint?”

Nat froze for a split second. She didn’t really know. “He drove home to his mom this morning and told me he won’t be able to make it back the next weeks due to state laws.”

“Shit, sorry.”

She had no idea what more there was to say. It did suck. Just when things were going well. She liked him. Like, really liked him. Usually Nat got bored with a guy after a few dates. She couldn’t be bothered to text back and never had the urge to pursue romantic relationships. That’s why she used to sleep with a big pillow in her bed. So that when she got those romantic urges, it didn’t feel like she was alone. It was pathetic and she knew that.

But now, Clint was in her life. After 27 years of living she finally felt something real. And it scared the hell out of her. What if she fucked it up? What if this was her one shot and she did something to scare him of? What if this separation was the final nail on the coffin that was the end of their relationship.

Natasha’s phone saved them from additional weird silence.

“Hey Sharon”, Nat gestured to Sam that she was speaking with the women one apartment above and watched, as her friend got inside the apartment.

“Hey Natasha, I’m sorry to just call in on you but could you take our dog next week? My sister is coming here and she’s allergic. You won’t have to do a thing, I’ll come down and walk her she just needs a place to stay.”

A bit overwhelmed, Nat leaned back and ruffled through her hair.

“I’m almost never home, I don’t think that would be good for her. But I can ask Steve.”

Sam came back outside and gave her a curious look.

“Do you really think he’d do that?”

“Yeah, hold on a sec”, Nat held her hand over the microphone of her phone, “Sam do you think Steve would wanna take in Sharon’s puppy for a few days? Her sister is coming here and she’s allergic.”

“I’m sure he’d love to. He’s been taking in strays left and right.” Sam grinned.

“Sharon, I’ll ask him but I’m pretty sure he’s gonna be delighted to coddle your puppy for a few days.”

“Thank you so much!”

“I’ll text you later, okay?”

Sam smiled into his wineglass.

“What are you so chipper about?” Nat took a ling sip of her wine and sighted happily.

“I’m gonna live with a puppy for a week, I’m hella exited. I got nothing to do Nat, only superficial work and seminars. It’s hell.”

“You wanna trade?” Nat chuckled but Sam’s face went dark. Shit, she thought. That’s a weak point for sure.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t wanna sound like your situation is any better than mine. We all got our own shit.”

“Yeah, but you’re right. Who am I to complain, when you guys work all day and night.”

She reached out to grab Sam’s hand and squeezed it, “that’s not true. You’ve got more than enough on your plate. You finally told Steve that you basically moved into his place?”

“Na, but I will. I just need the right moment.”

“Is he home yet?”

Sam took out his phone to check and nodded, after scrunching his brows for a second. “Yeah he just texted me. I should head home, soon. But let’s set up a game plan before we talk about his work situation.”

“Yeah sure”, Nat’s initial plan was to talk to him on her own. She would play bad cop so that Steve wouldn’t be mad at the both of them. He’d might kick Sam out, not that he was the kinda guy to do that but it was easier this way.

She escorted Sam to the door and returned back to the balcony.

“Hey Nat”, Steve sounded tired. “Why are you calling, is everything alright?”

“Yeah everything is fine. Sam just left my place.” She filled her glass, “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Shoot.”

He sounded well. There was a woman laughing in the background. Probably Darcy, Nat thought. She cleared her throat.

“Sam lost his apartment. He couldn’t pay the rent last week.”

“Yeah I figured. He’s been weird lately and his former roommate is very openly searching for a new place on Facebook, Twitter and other social media.”

“So you don’t mind?”

“No, but I won’t talk about it until he’s ready.”

Nat laughed. Maybe they worried too much about him.

“So you’ll handle it, when the time comes?”

“For sure. I already talked to a friend who has an extra mattress and got some palettes from my job to build him something other than my couch to sleep on.”

“You’re wonderful, Steve.”

“I know, you love me. See you soon?”

“Yeah Steve, see you soon.”


	10. Doc-20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:
> 
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: virus-talk
> 
> Revised: no

“We are coming back to you, Gene, with the latest news on the virus spreading throughout the American continents, Europe and Asia.”

“Thank you Meredith.

Congress ruled this morning, that everyone suffering financial loss due to recent safety measures is eligible for a bimonthly payment from the government to ensure their fiscal stability.

The infection rate of the virus, now finally labeled as Doc-20, is skyrocketing in large cities, especially New York, Mexico City, London and Tokyo. Reports from local hospitals show a severe lack of equipment and staff.

Congress ruled on an absolute state of emergency. As of this Monday, facemasks are required as a safety measure in all confined spaces, people should stay inside if not absolutely necessary and are required to hold at least six feet of effective distance between each other. Visiting close friends is allowed, but only for people who live along and are only seeing this one group of friends. Medical professionals are urged to stay isolated.

The state of New York has also ruled a travel ban on the common population, the mayor of New York City stated that people will still be able to travel outside of the City, but won’t be able to get back without undergoing a test and at least 14 days of quarantine. Similarly the States of Ohio, New York, Michigan and Florida, are allowing citizens to leave, but will set up stations to make sure people travelling into the state will be tested on fever and asked to stay at home at least 14 days to ensure the safety of their peers.

People who just recently travelled outside of the US are being quarantined for 14 days and will receive help for this time. People with dogs are allowed to walk them, but they will be asked to talk to an operator on the phone when they leave and get back in order to monitor their whereabouts.

People who experience fever, fatigue or problems related to breathing, are urged to call their doctor and not leave their apartment or house. The city of New York has also issued a temporary ban on the visitation rights of prisons, mental institutions and hospitals.

Our website has been updated with a timeline of recent events and a list of links for people wanting to apply for one of the government issued help-programs, as well as other organizations.

Our Team hopes than all out viewers are at home and safe. This was Gene Dorman with the 8 pm news. Next up we continue with our rerun of the hit TV show ‘House MD’.


	11. A rainy day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: hospitals, tests, anxiety, death, medical talk, masks, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

When Steve woke up it was the first properly rainy day in a while. But Steve didn’t notice that. He woke up with a silent scream, his lungs aching for air. He grabbed the inhaler from his night stand and took a few hurried breaths that didn’t get enough oxygen into him, so he struggled further. Coughing, trying to sit up.

By the time he finally got his breathing to stabilize, he was sweating like crazy, his heart racing.

“Shit”, he whispered into the darkness. He took his phone and checked the time. It was almost 3 am.

The other attacks had been because of his anxiety trigger but this? Steve had an appointment with his psychologist on Friday that was two days away.

As he pressed ‘call’, he hoped not to wake up the person on the other line.

“Barnes?”

James picked up almost immediately. Steve could hear people talking in the background, so the doctor was at work. Thank god.

“Sorry, I hope I didn’t interrupt anything or wake you, I know it’s late but-“

“No you didn’t, I’m working. What’s wrong?”

“I woke up and couldn’t breathe. I’ve never”, he struggled to put out the words in the right order, “I’ve never experienced that. And it’s-“

“Scary. I understand. Are you breathing normally now?” James hat put on his doctor voice. It was little deeper and more professional sounding. Steve felt a little taken aback by the interruption but he let it slide.

“Yeah, more or less.”

“Are you alone?”

“I got Sam and Darcy in my living room.”

“Alright, I’m gonna ask you a couple of questions now. If any of them trigger your anxiety please let me know so I can rephrase.”

“Okay”, that was all, Steve could say. His throat was itching for water, but he could pull through for a few minutes.

“Right, were you dreaming about something vivid? Like a nightmare or something that would aggravate you?”

“No. Not that I can remember.”

“When you woke up, did you see anything weird? Or did you eat something new? Is there anything that you could be allergic to?”

“No.”

“How have you been breathing these last days? Any problems?”

“Sometimes it hurts, when I breathe in too deep. Also since we all have to wear masks at work, I get lightheaded after a couple hours.”

“This pain whilst breathing in, did you already have that when we last spoke?”

“Yeah”, he bit his lower lip in guilt, “sorry for not telling you. I thought it was just the aftermath of one of the attacks.” Liar. He thought. He should stop telling lies.

“It’s ok. I’m used to you being hard to work with.” James laughed briefly, breaking with his role as doctor. He audibly switched right back. “That pain, where is it located?”

“Lower end of my sternum.”

“Getting fancy with the descriptions, I see. Steve, I’d like you to come in as soon as possible. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to do some tests. You’re showing symptoms of a lung disease or that virus that’s going around and I wanna make sure it’s not that, alright.”

A lung disease. Just what he needed. Steve tried keeping calm, but his anxiety crept up on him again. He felt like there was no way out of his misery and that he’d never be able to just live his life.

“Okay”, he breathed out, “I’ll come by after work.”

“Absolutely not. You’re gonna come by now. And call in sick as soon as you can, you won’t make it in time today.”

Great. So he was gonna miss work, too? And have Darcy and Thor pick up after him, probably working a few extra hours because he wasn’t there? Just perfect.

“I can’t let my coworkers suffer because of this, man.”

“I understand, but you have to look out for yourself, okay Steve. I’ll see you in a bit, ask for me on the front desk and keep your distance from everyone else there.”

Annoyed, Steve stopped the call and almost threw his phone. It had been a bad idea to call James. Of course he would make way too big of a deal of it. But he promised to call. And it had been scary as hell. He had to admit that. Worse than any other time he got sick. It felt like his chest was on fire.

Still, there was no way he would wake up Sam and Darcy for this.

He put on some clothes, as silently as he could, and snuck out his bedroom. Sam was fast asleep on the couch, Darcy wasn’t sleeping too far from him on a mattress. The still had one headphone in, her phone lying next to her. He took his shoes, mask and keys and carefully closed the door behind him.

The hallway was dark and smelled like weed. Steve put on his shoes and made his way down to the street. This part of town was calm and foggy at night; it wasn’t as busy as the rest of the city. He loved walking around Williamsburg when he had the time. There was always something interesting happening. He once saw a horse just standing there in the middle of the street.

Of course he could only feel safe, because he was a guy, Steve bitterly thought. But that was their oh so modern society, still making it impossible for women to – no. He interrupted himself. He couldn’t go down that road. Not now. Another anxiety attack was the last thing he needed.

As he entered the station, his coat was wet from the rain, but his breathing felt relaxed. It was a short ride, about a half an hour, to the hospital. Sure, taking the car would’ve made this easier, especially since he wouldn’t have to wear a mask the whole time, but Steve was glad to be outside. Once his tiredness finally faded, he took the time to take in the city, like he usually did. It was a beautiful thing, being able to just exist for a while, without any expectations.

After walking around in the night for so long, the bright lights of the hospital hurt his eyes. Squinting, he walked over to the front desk. There were a bunch of people in the front hall, yet it was eerily silent.

“Excuse me”, Steve cleared his throat, a painful reminder of the fact that he still hadn’t drunk any water.

“Oh”, the guy behind the desk looked up surprised, “sorry, good morning. Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah, I am looking for Dr. Barnes, he asked me to meet him here after I had an incident this night.”

The man looked Steve up and down, cocking an eyebrow. “Do you need any medical help right now? There is a protocol in place, we usually don’t just call out doctors.”

Steve was blushing. He was being an inconvenience as usual. “Um, he asked me here. I had some severe asthma attacks last week and this night again and he told me to come here so that he could take a look. He’s my doctor.” He was out of breath from trying so hard not to stumble upon his words.

“Hm”, the guy typed something into his computer, not looking up at Steve, who was nervously rocking back and forth. “I’ll call him to the front desk, please sit down.”

“Okay, thanks.” Steve turned around and slowly walked to one of the chairs. He tried sitting down as far away from other people as possible and took out his phone. It was 3:45am. A surreal time.

Thankfully it didn’t take long, until a familiar face popped up in front of him.

James looked good as ever, but tired again. There was a pattern. Steve knew he worked nights a lot, just like Nat and probably like everyone else in this place. No matter how tired he was, he was still smiling at Steve behind a dark blue mask. The way it reached his eyes made Steve feel better instantly.

“Good morning, doc.” He tried his best to smile back, but was sure the mask swallowed most of his efforts.

“Morning Steve, come with me.” Steve followed James through the hall and into a small room in the back. James closed the door behind him and turned to Steve, now with a more serious expression.

“Can you please describe the incident again?”

Steve recollected everything he knew. When he was finished, he didn’t like the look on James’ face.

“We’ll have to do an ECG, that’s an electrocardiogram, to rule your heart out as a perpetrator, a chest x-ray to look at your lungs and then some PFTs, spirometry and pulmonary function tests, to determine the volume and air flow of your lungs. I assume you’re familiar with some of these?”

He was indeed. Steve had to remind himself to breathe. Last time he had a chest x-ray, him and his mom went and got ice cream afterwards. A rare treat. He remembered the sun on his face and the smile on his mother’s face.

“Steve? You with me here?”

He snapped back, meeting the concerned eyes of his doctor. “Yeah, sorry. I know the treatments.”

“Good”, James looked curious, but he didn’t say anything. “Then let’s start with the ECG. Lift your shirt please.”

Steve knew he was blushing again, hoping it wouldn’t be visible behind the piece of fabric in front of his face. He shouldn’t be embarrassed, after all he was here for medical treatment. But that didn’t change the fact, that he was a scrawny boyish man and his doctor was very hot. He followed James’ with his eyes, as the other man got out the equipment and put on gloves.

Steve slowly took of his coat, then lifted his shirt, begging any listening entity, that James wouldn’t notice his fingers shaking.

The cold metal electrodes made him shiver enough to warrant James hesitating, “are they too cold?”

“It’s fine. I’m just sensitive.” Steve looked at his hands, embarrassed of himself. He was such a wuss.

“EKG looks fine”, James said, humming approvingly of the lines on the monitor in front of him. “That’s good, very good. Means whatever is causing shortness of breath and asthma attacks isn’t related to your heart. At least not directly.”

“Good”, Steve said but he didn’t feel any better. Whatever it was, it would probably be bad. Either that or it would turn out to be a giant waste of time.

“Let’s do the x-ray next, I checked with the lab and there is a free room in five minutes. C’mon!”

“You are way to motivated for this time of day.” Steve mumbled into his mask but the doctor still heard him.

He chuckled. “Yeah I suppose. I get off in an hour and I got tomorrow off.”

“Ah I see, lucky for you.”

They headed into an elevator and James pushed a button. Third floor.

“Not really, only got the day because I already filled most of my hours for the month. Means more work for everyone else.” He sounded so casual, but Steve knew what guilt laid behind those words. He knew.

“So you get, why I’m so adamant to get to work?”

“Yeah, I do. I mean I can’t tell you that officially, because I have to be hard on you when you do something stupid and overwork yourself. But I get why you are that way.”

Steve followed James through the mostly empty hospital. They were headed to the east wing.

“What do you mean ‘that way’?” He wasn’t hurt by the words, but confused. James was talking about work like he was and Steve was pretty sure not wanting to let down ones coworkers wasn’t a unique feeling.

“Well, I mean you’ve been hospitalized, you had several incidents – yet still you only think about how you being absent affects others. They worry too much, they have to work more, they have it worse – they they they. But it’s your health we’re talking about.”

Steve considered his words before answering. “But isn’t it a good thing to think about others, rather than about oneself?”

“As a doctor, I can tell you with absolute assurance that that is not true. People think too little about themselves, work to death for their family, never go to the doctor when something feels wrong, because it would be a waste of time and why worry your friends and family with nothing, right? Well most of the time, when they finally have to get help, it’s already too late. And then they leave all the people they wanted to protect behind without them.” He sounded bitterer and bitterer with each word. Steve knew that there was a story behind this rant, but he wasn’t sure it was appropriate to ask.

“We’re here”, the doctor finally exclaimed, stopping in front of a door with a warning sign on it. He handed Steve some gear for protection and stood there, looking at the floor while Steve put it on.

“Can I ask you something?” The doctor asked shyly. “Where did you go, back when we were talking in the examination room? You were someplace else suddenly.”

“Oh”, Steve was taken aback by the sudden change in topic. He fumbled with his shirt to buy himself some time, deciding where he should tell him or not. “When you mentioned tests we were going to do, I thought about the last time I got checked out properly in a hospital.”

“How old were you?” James was still not looking at him.

“13. My mom took me, she was so worried. She was a nurse herself and lectured the people helping me”, Steve couldn’t help but to laugh at the memory, “she was so stubborn. Nobody did anything right, when it came to her baby.”

“She sounds like someone I know”, James laughed and Steve was ripped from the memory, laughing as well.

“Yeah I got a few things from her.” He sat down at the stool and prepared himself for the x-ray. “Afterwards, y’know after the tests, she took me to our favorite spot and we ate ice cream. I didn’t have to go to school that day and we just spend it together. It’s one of the best memories that I have of her.” He didn’t feel like he had to cry, which was weird. Usually he was a mess, whenever he thought about Sarah Rogers. But then again James was a stranger and that made talking about it a lot easier, he knew that ever since he started going to therapy.

James left the room briefly and returned barely a minute later to help him out of the safety gear. “Your mom sounds nice.”

“She was”, Steve swallowed, “she died a few months back.”

“I remember”, James said, “you said something happened, that triggered your anxiety.”

Steve nodded. He suddenly felt very out of place in the dimly lit room. “What’s our next move?”

“Right, we’ll head back to the examination room and do some tests to assess your lungs.”

“What about the x-rays?” Was it bad news? Was James not telling him something?

“I’ll have to talk about them with some people first, I can’t see anything on them but I’ll have to get a couple more opinions on them.”

Steve breathed. “Okay.” He didn’t see anything on them. So why was this happening?

Back in the room, he and James tested out some ways to analyze the function of Steve’s lungs but once again, the doctor couldn’t find much to work with.

“Once you’re relaxed you can breathe just fine, or so it seems. You have any pain while breathing right now?”

“No”, he really wasn’t. “It hurts mostly in the mornings, right after I wake up. Or right after the attacks.”

James noted something on a sheet of paper and nodded, “it’s weird that I can’t find something. We talked about this being psychosomatic before, you think this could be it in that case?”

“I don’t know”, Steve shrugged. At this point, everything was possible.

“Have you talked to your psychologist?”

“Not yet, but I have an appointment with her soon. I’ll talk to her about this, see if she can do something.”

“That’s good, how are you doing apart from everything else?”

“You mean generally? I’m holding up. I got two people on my couch, one of them moved in without telling me, so there’s that. And there is this very cute dog peeing on a lot of things in my living room, so now he has to sleep in the bathroom.”

“You got a dog?” James seemed excited. It was a good look on him.

“Nah, sadly not. It’s a friends puppy, but she has her sister over and she’s allergic – it’s a whole thing. But the outcome is very positive.”

“I’d say! There is nothing a doggo can’t fix.”

Steve laughed embarrassingly loud, “you should meet her, she’s adorable once her bladder is empty.”

Oh god. Oh no. He was blushing again! Wasn’t his face tired of this by now? That sentence was absolutely inappropriate. To suggest something like that to a doctor, what had gotten into him? Maybe it was a little too easy to talk to James. He let himself get away with too many things around him.

The doctor was writing something down, thankfully not noticing Steve’s minor crisis.

“Well at the rate you show up on my workplace, I’m sure I’ll see her soon enough.” There was some light in his words that made Steve relax, but only a little bit. It had still been out of place and he felt like he ruined the fun mood.

“Your shift is over soon, right?”, he tried picking up the conversation.

“Yeah, I can’t wait. I got plans with Nat. So if we hear word from Sam that you went to work you will have two very angry and slightly drunk Eastern Europeans coming for you.”

Steve laughed, “that’s a scary enough picture to actually keep me from going in today. I have no idea what else to do, though.”

“I do. Go to bed and don’t get out until you feel gross and absolutely have to pee.”

That got Steve. He took a few seconds to recover. “That’s very doctorly advice, I assume.”

“Absolutely. Now get out of here before I change my mind and keep you here for the day.” He winked, as Steve opened the door. Outside it set in. He winked? Why did he wink? What does winking say? What was the social cue he should pick up from that?

Maybe James was just a winking-person, he was walking to his station, he’s heard of some those kind of people. The sun was coming up, but not really since it was still raining. It made everything appear kind of blue.

Or, a hopeful little voice in his head said, maybe he’s into you?

No, he shook his head and immediately checked if anyone saw him do that. Thankfully, there weren’t too many people around. Back to the point, there is no way in hell this guy was into him. Like, absolutely no way. He’d seen Steve shirtless, he’d seen Steve go mental over basically nothing – it was not an option.

He should ask Sam, Steve thought in the subway. The facemask was damp after this long time, it kept sticking to his mouth, making him itch uncomfortably. But then again, Sam would make a big deal out of it. He and Nat kept on telling Steve, that people are flirting with him, but he knew it wasn’t true. He knew how gross and weird he was and how little people actually cared to look at him. Nobody was flirting, his friends just deflected that on him because they liked him and they couldn’t see what everybody else was seeing.

The stairs to his apartment were easy today. He felt his best in a long time, which was weird given the night. It was probably the fact that James didn’t find anything. His body wasn’t the problem this time, it was his damn mind.

Opening the door startled Sam, who was still on the couch. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Steve, that you? What were you”, he looked over to Steve’s bedroom door, “doing outside?”

“Quiet”, Steve shushed him and finally took of his mask. “You’ll wake up Darcy.”

“Where were you?” Sam sounded sleepy, but concerned.

“Follow me into my room, I’ll explain.” He walked to his door and waited for Sam to follow, the other man groaned and got up.

“So, I was in the hospital.” He shut down Sam’s try to interrupt with a flick of his hand, “let me finish. I was there because I had an asthma attack in the middle of the night, but it was handled. We did some tests and I am fine, which means I gotta talk to my psychologist. Don’t worry please, I am fine. I actually feel really good. But I will stay home today and get some sleep in.” Steve was very proud of the way he phrased this. He made sure to check all of Sam’s concern-boxes.

“Can I talk now?” Sam asked with a rough voice.

“Yes. Well actually no.” Steve felt good. Like he was in control. “There is another thing I have to talk to you about. You’re basically living here by now and I was wondering whether you would be interested in actually moving in. You could safe on rent and we can get you something better to sleep on.”

Sam blinked slowly. Steve had no idea whether his friend called his bluff or not.

“I”, Sam chocked, “I’d like that. Thank you for suggesting that.”

“Good. Now, I gotta brief Darcy about missing work, catch a shower and sleep, you got a dog to run around the block with.”

He moved past Sam, who looked more than shell-shocked, to get to the living room, still thinking about that wink.


	12. The new normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my absence, tbh I didn't really feel like being creative, but I really got back into this story after reading a few chapters so I'm back :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: Alcohol consumption, Explicit Language, Death, Hospitals, Smoking, Anxiety, Family Planning, Military, PTSD, Me nerding about literature because I can’t attend my classes and it’s my happy place and also I really think we all need a break
> 
> Revised: no

James didn’t like the fact that he was a smoker. He picked up the habit when he was sixteen and wanted to be the cool guy in high school, that smoked.

Great plan, he thought to himself, while lighting a cigarette outside the hospital. Now he was a doctor not following the advice he gave his patients. He knew the damage it did and he knew that especially right now, most of the people in critical condition were smokers, but after a long shift there was little else he could do that calmed him down.

Hoping no one would judge him, he flicked his bud in the general direction of the standing ash tray next to him and took out his phone. It was early, but for him it felt like night time. Working nights wasn’t good for him. He looked like death most days, because he was either working, trying to sleep or drinking. Life didn’t feel real. Was this how it was gonna be for the rest of his life? Just working?

He shook his head to get rid of the intrusive thoughts that seemed to get more powerful with each long shift. The more tired he was, the less he could sleep. It was a vicious cycle leading him to feeling powerless over his own life.

Thankfully he spotted Nat’s red in the crowd leaving the hospital. Pushing out his cigarette he gave her a warm smile.

“Hey mister doctor, ready for a night out?” She grinned and joined him next to the ashtray, allowing the other people to pass them easier.

James furrowed his brows, “Is it really a night out when it’s 8am and we have to get our own booze, because every bar is closed?” He kept his banter to a light tone, contemplating if he could sneak in another cigarette before they left.

“It is in my book, because I feel like it’s midnight and my feet are only held together by weak flesh and prayer.”

That made him laugh harder than he expected. “Then shall we leave, before they completely stop working? Mine feel kinda okay, which is a little suspicious.”

“Jeez, flex your foot health a little more, will ya?” She laughed and leaned her back on the hospital wall. “But seriously, I have no idea how I will survive the next shift.”

“Feel you”, James said, and he really did. His next shift was in two days but it was a morning shift which meant that he would get absolutely nothing done other than getting his sleeping schedule back in order and then a week later he was on night shift again. The thought of it all made him involuntary reach for his pack of cigs.

“You sharing those?” Nat took his offered cigarette, let him light it for her and then sank slowly to the ground, smoking.

“Do you know how filthy the ground here is? We are literally standing in between a trashcan and an ashtray.”

“Don’t judge me right now, I need to sit.”

He cackled and squatted, so that he could talk to Nat without looking down on her.

“You okay?” He asked, one eyebrow raised in real worry.

“Yeah, yes”, Nat hid a yawn with her right hand and smiled unconvincingly. “Just tired and worn out. But it’ll be fine. This won’t go on forever, right?”

James sat quietly, having no idea what to say next. He had no idea when this was gonna be normal again. He could see on Nat’s face, that she wasn’t really expecting an answer from him. They both knew that this was their new normal.

“You know”, James hesitantly started talking, trying to get his point into words, “we are going to make it through this. Sure, it might get really hard, but this is our job and this is the world we live in. And we will get through it, because I don’t think either of us two could ever do anything else.”

“I could get used to living on an island, only drinking fancy cocktails and asking my filthy rich husband to buy me a lot of cats.”

James sniggered, “does this filthy rich guy you’re marrying have a cute brother in this scenario?”

“Nope, but you can come and be my busboy, I’ll pay you good.”

They both laughed for a second, before going back to the weird silence from before.

“I know you’re right”, Nat finally said, “but not knowing where we will all be in two months is stressing me out. A friend of mine worked in theater, lost her job and now won’t be able to make rent. And that is scary. This thing we’re going through will actually change our lives to a level we have no control of. That’s the first time in my life I felt that way.”

“I know the feeling”, he breathed out; his legs started to hurt from squatting. He stood up and wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans.

Nat followed him on her feet and looked at him with concern. “What do you mean?”

“Well when I enlisted in the military I basically gave up all major decision making for a while and when they sent me back from my tour with the paperwork for an honorable discharge and a phone number for the VA I had no idea what I was gonna do. Getting my arm back was a win, sure, but then? What was I gonna do with this half life I had build and lost in half a heartbeat? I had no place to stay, no real money to my name and an unfinished degree. I saw people years younger than me doing the things I wanted to be doing at their age, but I couldn’t.”

“How can you not lose hope, when things are like this?” Nat’s voice sounded raw and sincere.

“Truth is, I don’t know. I lost hope almost immediately. I’m only where I am now, because my sisters kept me on track. If they weren’t here for me, I’m not sure I would be here at all. But that’s kind of the thing, you realize at some point, that you can’t beat this alone and you bite your pride and accept help and learn, that others feel just the way you do. I mean who isn’t anxious and unsure about anything in their twenties? I mean hell, I am supposedly a grown man, yet I watch helpful Youtube videos whenever I need to do anything basic in my flat. I moved half a year ago and had to paint a wall, a thing that I have never done before, and I legitimately cried when trying because I realized how useless I can be.”

“Oh I feel that. I save lives daily but when I have to change a light bulb I am so scared of getting electrocuted that I just don’t do it. I just recently learned that you can switch off the electricity for room lights. I am the caricature of a millennial.”

James laughed and nodded, “same. I feel like our generation is not really good at the whole growing up part. I wish I could ask my mom, if she felt like this, too.”

Nat smiled, “yeah, I can’t ask mine either; haven’t talked to her in five years. But I’m fairly sure they were just as clueless as we are. I mean it’s normal, you grow up and you’re sixteen and think you own the world, then you’re eighteen and you realize you don’t know what you want to do, then you’re 22 and you struggle to survive, working shit jobs, trying to get a foot down without knowing where to stand and then you are 28 and have been a full, legal adult for ten years without seemingly making any progress.”

“I have no idea how people have children at our age or even younger. How do you care for a tiny human when you don’t even fully know how to take care of yourself?”

James thought about an old friend from his childhood, star of the football team, wonderful girlfriend, engaged right after graduation and now a few years later all he ever saw on his facebook page were pictures of his two kids, posts from his wife about her pyramide-sceme-style ‘business’ and funny one-liners about his boring office job. “I think some people are okay with just working and caring for their family. They go an easy way, and I don’t mean that negatively. I think I might be happier, too, if I didn’t try to fullfill some unrealistic dream of mine and just found my place where I was then and there.”

“Do you want to go to the car and get to your place? I feel weird talking like this out here.” Nat chuckled and poked her head into the general direction of the car.

“Sure”, James shrugged and immediately asked himself if he had over shared. Nat didn’t want to hear about his stupid past, right? He reminded himself to calm down and be rational. He didn’t overshare. This was a good conversation. Adults had these conversations, because talking with a friend over stuff like this was helpful. He was able to get his mind together by the time they got into the car.

Nat was driving, complaining about her hurting feet, and James was grateful that he didn’t have to focus on the street. The radio played a pleasant pop music mix and he watched the blue sky appear in the crackling clouds in the distance. The sun was now well above the horizon line and colored the bride sky in orange and yellow light. It was going to be a nice day, despite the night it had been. He found solace in the fact that the sun was still rising as usual, and the city looked relatively normal. Sure, there were less people out and about, but traffic was still an absolute nightmare and the few open shops looked busy.

They pulled into his street and, much to both of their surprise, found a parking spot close to it. When James finally opened the door to his apartment he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The familiar smell calmed him right down, as he left his shoes by the door and went to open some windows.

“God I love your place”, Nat exasperated, prompting James to roll his eyes.

“Oh sure, the lady with the perfect, modern apartment loves a rundown building from the 20s.”

“No I really mean it, this style suits you. The high ceiling, the wooden windows, it has an elegance to it. And all this dark, stuffy furniture is something I did not expect from you, when I first met you. Downright thought you’d be a very cleanly minimalist.”

James sat down on his couch and sighted, “yeah when I was younger I thought that, too. But turns out having stuff calms me down. I like looking at my bookshelves; despite the fact that all these books were a bitch to move over from my old place.”

“You had roommates back then?” Nat mused, looking over his full shelves with wonder in her eyes. James almost scoffed at her question.

“Yes. And I was too old for that shit.” He stood up to join his friend at his bookshelves, “what are you looking at?”

“These books are from the 19. century, that is so weird to me. Like, someone from literally a hundred years ago wrote and published this, someone else from that time bought it and read it, passing it along to family and strangers over and over again and now it’s here. Makes you think.”

“This is actually a vintage reprint of a book written in the 17. century by an Italian poet. People later edited it with a translation into something that wasn’t Dutch, French or Latin – common languages for books back them because these were most spoken – so that the poorer people, who only spoke one language, could read it, too.”

“I have three questions about this, first: Why the hell did a lot of people speak Dutch back then?; second: They made editions for poorer people? What about those who didn’t live in the city around the industrialization and couldn’t read?; and third: How the fuck do you know so much about this stuff?” Nat took the book with her to the couch and urged James to sit down next to her. He felt some pride in his chest, seeing someone marvel at some of his knowledge he could never really show off.

“So, some cities in the now Netherlands, like Amsterdam, Rotterdam and Den Haag, were printing books from all over Europe. A lot of authors in the 16. and 17. century went there to live, sometimes for a few months, sometimes for years. It was also a relatively safe haven for people who deserted the military, ran from debt or even wars. Basically all of the authors back then were relatively rich people, people who came from important families, had a title or went by with the help of rich, powerful sponsors. The kids from important families or clans who had lost their money and standing, often studied and took on jobs in the military or as doctors or clerics, because they had to. The sponsors, the most important one often being the church, could cut you off or even prosecute you for writing something political they didn’t like. There were a million reasons to flee from home and these cities had a good enough infrastructure, a lot of ways to enjoy yourself and the means to print your books.

Now this reprint was made in New York, but people outside of the city still generally could read. They sent their kids to school for at least a few years; later in the century it became illegal in a huge chunk of the world not to sent your kids to school and calendars with little poems and written information about festivals and seasons became popular in Europe around 1800.

And to answer your last question: I know this because I took literature after my injury. I couldn’t do much but read for almost two years, so I studied medicine and filled the rest of my miserable day by completing classes in media and the history of literature and language.”

“Boy”, Nat blinked slowly, “you got some depth to you, you know that? Like that’s a side of you I would have never guessed.”

James swallowed hard at the compliment, “well I’m not just a pretty face”, he laughed half heartedly, “thank you”, he then said more sincere.

“You want to get drunk, now?” Nat grinned and pulled a big bottle of vodka out of her bag.

“Did you take this with you into the hospital?” James looked at the bottle and then at its proud ower.

“Yes. Don’t judge, I’ve had a week.”

He held his hands up in defense, “I’m not gonna say anything, I’ll go get glasses.”

James stumbled to his kitchen, his feet feeling worse now than right after his shift. When re reentered his living room, Nat was drinking out of the bottle.

He cheered as the finished her shot, “Jesus Nat.”

“Relax”, the red head wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, “this stuff is 80 proof, it’s basically sterile.”

“Okay”, he took the bottle from her and filled their glasses, “80 proof is not really that strong, it’s 40%, which is the minimum level of alcohol this stuff needs, to legally call itself vodka. Secondly-“

“Shut up and drink it and then tell me again it’s not strong, Mr. Wikipedia.” Nat disrupted his unplanned lecture and James followed suit by taking a shot.

He felt her victorious smirking gaze on him whilst trying to hold back a cough.

“So, Steve was in the hospital tonight”, he tried changing the topic.

Nat took her shot and gestured to their empty glasses, which he promptly filled again. “I know.”

“How do you-“

“I know everything.” She took another shot and leaned back, her eyes closed.

James emptied his glass and winced at the bitter taste it left in his mouth and his burning throat. They should eat something, or this could end very badly.

“How did it go?”

He was filling their glasses yet again and closed the bottle slowly, to buy himself some time.

“Pretty good, actually. He’s still a pain, but I think I got through to him. He even called in sick.”

“Hm”, Nat hummed.

“Sorry, we don’t have to talk about him.” James bit his tongue. Was Steve right? Was he putting his friends under a strain right now? Usually, Nat wouldn’t mind, he was sure of that, but with everything else going on…

“No it’s fine, I’m glad he’s finally listening. If I’m honest, I know I overreact when he’s sick. Truth is, I like worrying about him, makes me think less about my own shit. I am a bad person, actually taking something positive out of his situation.”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think we’re both in the jobs we are in, because we use the pain of other people to get out of our thoughts. We can do something to make them better when we’re powerless about our own lives. That being said, what is going on with your life?”

Nat opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know, honestly. I feel like a robot. There is this great guy and I never sealed the deal and now he’s miles away and I can’t do anything. Because he has to worry about his family and I’m not – this sounds so shitty oh my god – I’m not a priority anymore.”

“And you think things are going to be different, when he comes back?”

“I don’t know, but things are already changing so I guess so? I mean I’m not the same, he’s not the same – what if this was it? He told me yesterday he was thinking about moving there to be more present and I understand and back him up, but I’m also selfish and want him here.”

“Understandable. He’s off, caring about his family and you need someone here who’s caring for you. But you can’t ask him to do that, after not coming clear about how you feel before. If you do it now, it comes off as insincere and like you don’t want him to be there for his family.”

“Exactly! If I tell him now that I miss him it sounds like I only say it because of the situation, but I felt like this before, I just thought that I had more time.”

James said nothing, he drank his vodka and sighted. Nat sat up and drank hers. Both stuck in their own minds, nobody broke the silence for a few minutes.

Finally Nat said “what about you?”

“What do you mean?” He raised his brows.

“I mean what is going on with you? Some girl or guy drama?”

“No”, he laughed, “my problems are more internal. I don’t have many friends anymore, old friends don’t really get me anymore and new friends are hard to get, so I’m alone a lot with my own thoughts.”

“Do you date?”

He shrugged, “not really. I get attention, and I’m a flirt, but I don’t feel like sticking with a person, whenever someone wants more than casual flirting I blow them off. I’m like the PG 13 version of a fuck boy.”

That made Nat laugh and James was glad about it.

“So you don’t catch feelings easy?” Nat poked deeper and James didn’t like it, but he knew he could trust her.

“No. Not anymore. I know what I like, I just don’t pursue it.”

“You know, before all this I wanted to set you up with someone. I deadass thought you were the type for that. So if anything, this whole mess at least got us to talk more and me out of the mess I would have created.”

James was taken aback for a second by the fact that Nat had planned on setting him up. “Wow, I’m not sure how that would have ended. But I’m kinda curious about who you thought would be a good fit for me.”

Nat looked at her glass for a little too long, who the hell was this mystery person?

“Oh you’d like him, but I don’t think my plan would have worked out.”

“A guy then, huh? Alright, I won’t ask any questions. Just know that I think, with your instincts, this would’ve maybe even worked out slightly better than my usual dating.”

“Yeah”, she had a weird look in her eyes for a second, before shaking her head and grinning, “I think it might would have worked out, too.”


	13. Attachement issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: Psychology, Childhood Trauma, Death, Anxiety, Explicit Language, Struggles of immigrants (description of the end of ‘Orange is the new Black’), Prisons, Pandemic-talk
> 
> Revised: no

“Hello Steve.”

He smiled at the familiar face before him, wondering if she could tell he was smiling behind his mask, as he slid some paperwork to her. It was Friday afternoon and after the work day he’s had his whole body protested against movement, but this appointment was too important to miss.

“Hey Wanda”, he said and watched her stamp something on his papers, before handing them back to him. Steve knew Wanda studied Psychology with Sam, briefly knew Natasha from the time she lived right across from her old place and was helping out here a few days a week, but so far he never saw her outside of this building. It was weird, seeing how their lives overlapped quite a lot, despite only seeing each other for a few minutes once every two weeks. It also was quite funny, seeing how in this huge city seemingly all of his meager contacts knew each other.

“She’s expecting you, go right ahead.” Steve snapped out of his thoughts and nodded, thanking her. They exchanged another weird mask-smile before he went to the back of the small doctor’s office, briefly greeting the two people in the open tea kitchen to the left.

They all knew him, because over the last few months, he’s spent a lot of time here. Now, he only came by twice a month, but a few months ago? Steve shivered a little bit, cringing about himself crying in that very tea kitchen.

He opened the door and was greeted by an overwhelming sense of familiarity. The light yellow curtains, dark brown couch, armchairs and table, a wall of bookshelves, filled to the brim, the few picked out articles and certificates, hanging framed behind the desk. And finally, Mrs. Carter. The perfect word to describe her would be ‘a lady’, that was in every sense of the word, her essence. She was in her late fifties, but carried herself twenty years younger, she was light footed, always dressed immaculately, even her mask was matching, and spoke in a calm tone, eloquently formulating each sentence around her British accent.

“Oh hello Steve”, she looked up from her desk, picking the glasses from her face as he entered. “Please sit down, I’ll be there in a second.”

Steve followed suit and watched, as his psychologist pulled out a notebook from a cabinet and walked over to the couch-nook, settling down in her usual armchair. Everything felt, like it always did and Steve was glad. He had been scared, that the masks and other precautions would ruin the safe space he had here, but it didn’t affect him nearly as much as he’d feared.

“So, how have you been?”

Steve didn’t really have a cohesive answer for that. Mrs. Carter thankfully noticed his struggle immediately.

“Let me rephrase that, how are you feeling about this current situation? Is it stressing you out? Are you working still?”

He breathed. “Yeah I’m still working, most days anyways. It’s been a lot recently, with work I mean.” Steve had to remind himself, that he didn’t have to talk fast, to get everything he was thinking out. She took her time, she knew what he was saying, even if he wasn’t too sure. He relaxed a little. “Uh, Sam moved in. I asked him to, because he’s really struggling and with quarantine coming, we have to limit social contacts and if he lives with me, there is nobody else involved when we hang out, like his roommates or something. Anyways, sorry for overexplaining-“

“You don’t have to apologize Steve”, Mrs. Carter was writing something down before continuing, “if you want to talk about Sam, that’s fine. But I’m not questioning him moving in with you, if anything, I’m sure it’ll do both of you some good. Being isolated right now can be a big stressor.”

Steve nodded, “yeah, anyways, like I was saying, he moved in and that’s been a good thing. I don’t really know how I feel about everything else going on, though. At first, I got really bad anxiety, whenever I looked at news, but now? It’s almost like it doesn’t bother me, I’m way more anxious about the people suffering right now, because they don’t have medic aid or people at risk, being told that they should die for our economy.”

“So you feel bad for others, but not your own situation?”

“Yes, I mean I’m handling it.” Liar, he thought.

“But you are in the risk group, so you are one of those people, you feel for.”

“I mean technically yes, but-“ he stopped his rambling to find an argument to this. She was right. He spoke out a lot about people being affected, be it by preexisting conditions, their age, domestic violence, depression in isolation, their job(loss) or something else – but he himself was in the risk group and he worked in retail, definitely not as bad as the medical field, but still a job negatively affected from the pandemic.

“How is your general health? I know you’d never stop working, even if it might kill you, but still.”

He chuckled to that, his reputation of being a pain in the ass really reached everyone who knew him. “I actually wanted to talk to you about that. Over the last two weeks, I’v been dealing with a few asthma attacks, three of them were bad. Like, I-went-to-the-hospital-kind-of-bad.” Mrs. Carter’s eyebrows went up. “The doctor I went to for all of these talked to me about the possibility of them being of psychological nature, since he didn’t find anything wrong with me. Well, apart from the usual stuff I mean.”

“I’m not going to lie”, his psychologist closed her notebook and looked at Steve, “that is not good. But, it’s not as uncommon as you might think.” She let her gaze wander around the room, almost as if she tried recalling a memory, before getting back to the point. “Hypochondria is caused by the mind, as is phantom pain and both show as actual pain and can lead to disease. The placebo effect is incredibly powerful and sometimes symptoms show up because of stress or mental illness.”

“What you’re saying is, my anxiety could lead to my asthma acting up?” Steve was chewing his lower lip.

“Technically yes, but I’m taking a step back here to consider something broader. If you are stressed and anxious, breathing regularly is hard. Combine that and we got a panic attack, something often accompanied by similar symptoms as asthma. Not to say, it wasn’t asthma. Going from a panic attack to a full blown asthma attack is an easy step, if you already got asthma to begin with.”

He listened carefully and tried not to think too hard about all the stuff that was wrong with him. After she finished, he was silent for a moment.

“Now, I’m not the biggest fan of theories like that, I’m more of a practical person myself. You have your meds and coming mechanisms for anxiety, and I trust you follow that. So let’s not focus too much on what caused what – let’s talk about ways to combat that.”

“I never had that many attacks this bad this close together, last time I was in the hospital for asthma, or asthma-like behavior, whichever it is, was years ago.”

“I agree that this is odd, but seeing how your last months went by and what is going on right now, I think we got a good idea about it, don’t you?”

“Not really, I mean I didn’t feel this bad, when my mom died, how is this worse?” He knew he was close to crying, but he wasn’t going to. This wasn’t a heated argument to get emotional over, this was a professional trying to help. She wasn’t at fault for the fact that he felt… guilty? Yeah, he felt guilty. If there ever had been a time to get this bad, it should have been when the most important person in his life died, not because of a stupid pandemic!

Mrs. Carter looked at him with deep sorrow in her eyes. “Steve”, she said softly, “how you are dealing with things does not reflect how you feel about it. This isn’t better or worse, than the death of your mother, it’s a completely different thing. You remember the first time we talked last year? When you came here, you were unable to express anything else than grief, you went from a happy young man to a broken individual. And then you built yourself up again, you got better – and you still are. Just know, that this old wound hasn’t healed yet and this massive situation, the stress you put yourself under thinking about all these other people, is ripping up old stuff, yes, but it’s also a new wound in itself. How you are feeling right now isn’t just because of your mother, it’s also because you are a very compassionate person and knowing how this affects the poor and already suffering is overwhelming you. Think of a few minutes ago, you named people affected, but forgot that you are in that group.”

He wasn’t sure what to say. She was right, he knew that. But it was also not fair. He was supposed to get better and that was it. It dawned on him, that his anxiety was going to be a part of him for a much longer time than he had hoped.

“Will this ever go away”, he finally asked, his voice weak.

“Do you remember when we talked about the final season of ‘Orange is the new Black’?”

Steve nodded. He remembered exactly how he felt, when he watched all these people’s faiths. How they one by one got deported to god knows where, died behind bars or in the desert, rotted in ICE prisons and failed trying to be a part of society again.

“When we talked about your behavior before Sarah died, you mentioned that this finale shook you to your core, because you realized that this is the reality we live in. You knew that something like this was happening before, but you just then realized it. It wasn’t real before. What you described back then, was a form of anxiety. Obsessing over the lives of suffering people, focusing on the negative, because seeing the positive seems of bad taste, seeing how all this shit is happening, pardon my French. Your overthinking, panicking, and anxious behavior has been a part of your life before. And it will be in the future. But”, she raised her voice to cut through his upcoming panic, “it will get more manageable, you will learn how to cope with unrealistic scenarios in your head, the guilt you project your fears on, even with the physical aspect of it.”

“How will it get better?” Steve rubbed the back of his neck, “I mean so far it kinda seems like its getting worse. On Wednesday I woke up because I hyperventilated in my sleep.”

She took a moment to glance over her notes before answering, “I’m gonna talk to someone else to get a second opinion, but I think it would be a good step to tinker with your medication, the sleep-thing is showing me, that your current meds don’t work as well as I’d like them to. For the other parts, I think it’s good that you are working, it keeps your mind occupied and sleep comes easier when your body is actually tired, but I want you to be safe. When it comes to the attacks you’ve had, what did calm you down eventually?”

Steve tried to remember the first time it happened; he collapsed, so that wasn’t helpful in terms of what helped him calm down. But he did feel better after fighting with his doctor and Sam about going to work. It made him feel like his anxiety wasn’t important enough to keep him from proving them wrong. God, why was he like this?

The second time he’d already calmed down before they got to the hospital, the attack went by after getting his inhaler and changing the topic. So… distraction? That’s what was helping him?

The night-attack had been the scariest one by far, despite the fact that he calmed down fairly quickly and didn’t faint from it. The sheer horror of waking up gasping for air was still with him now, two days later. What helped him then was, again, his inhaler and the knowledge, that he had someone. Not Sam or Nat, but someone who specifically told him to call when things like this happened. Someone he didn’t scare or stress, but who knew what to do and how to react without taking something like friendship into account. James had been really hard on him, and that was a good thing.

“I think”, he took his time formulating his thoughts and Mrs. Carter was patient, “that what has been helping me is my asthma medication and the medical help I had, not the stuff they did in the hospital, but to have someone with medical knowledge be frank with me about this. Nat and Sam are great, but they are both so overprotective and worry a lot, James, my doctor, doesn’t worry because I’m his friend, but because I’m his patient. Does that make sense?”

“It absolutely does. This doctor is someone you can talk to, that isn’t being influences by stuff that happened before. We all need people like this. Some problems aren’t easy to talk about, when you already know what the other person is thinking.”

Steve felt the relieve kick in, so he wasn’t being weird, by feeling so safe talking to James.

“It seems like that is helping you, have you been feeling guilty about going to the hospital a lot?”

“Kinda”, Steve answered honestly, “not the hospital per se, but the people in it. Sam and Nat of course, but also this doctor. It’s the first time in forever, since I’ve had someone as my doctor. I don’t frequent hospitals anymore, so it’s been different kinds of doctors every time.”

“Having someone appointed to you, but not by force or friendship, is a good thing, though I wonder why I don’t seem to count.” She chuckled at Steve’s red ears and waved her hand, “I’m just joking, I’m glad you finally found someone who’s help you’re willing to accept.”

“Hey”, Steve chimed in, “I listen to you!”

“Oh yeah”, Mrs. Carter once again closed her notebook an leaned back, “so you’ve been trying meditation then?”

He involuntarily pulled a face. “Meditation is… not for me.”

“Everybody says that at first, but it’s fine; you found other ways. But I want to caution you, not to put too much of your healing process on a person. People aren’t always reliable after all. I’m not saying you shouldn’t seek help, I think it’s a big step in the right direction, I’m just saying that relationships can change quickly and it’s good to have other ways to cope.”

“Oh I get it, don’t worry. I don’t think it’s just this one person, but rather the idea of someone who doesn’t know me that well. Like you said before, I don’t know what he’s thinking because we don’t know each other that well.”

“Good, because when we get into a situation like that and we find someone who helps us, it’s easy to get attached too quickly and, in my opinion, the last thing you need right now is getting hurt.”

It dawned on Steve, what she was getting at and he blushed again. “Uhm, I don’t think I’m at the risk of getting too attached. In ideal circumstances, I’m never seeing him again – I mean, like, I won’t have to go to the hospital again if all goes well.”

Good job Steve, could you sound anymore illiterate? Stumbling around his words made it seem like he was already doing what she was warning him about: catching feelings. And he was aware that this was a real risk. He was in crisis and James was helping him. It would be easy to read something more into this than ‘he’s just doing his job’.

“Really”, he picked up the conversation with a glance at his watch, it was almost time for him to leave, “you don’t have to worry about me. Or, well, at least not about that.”

He was relieved to see, that she believed him, even though he wasn’t so sure he believed himself.


	14. A shitty day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Two chapters today because I'm trying out some stuff and I would love to maybe hear some feedback on it? I try to flesh out all the characters whilst still focussing on Steve as a main, and I have never written a fic this way. If it's annoying please tell me and if you have any idea on how to flesh out characters without dragging the story too much, I'd really appreciate it, too!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: Depression, Hospitals, Risky driving, Pandemic-talk, Explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

Saturday was a rainy day again, and Steve wondered if the weather was somehow reacting to what was happening. It was a ridiculous thought, sure, but the grim sky fit perfectly into the general mood Saturday afternoon. Sam had a paper due the next day, but thanks to problems with the internet he didn’t have the materials to start; Steve had a late shift at work, because the shops thought it would be a grand idea to open Sunday morning so that people could ‘fan out’ more; and then there was Nat, switching shifts with a coworker who’s mother got sick, effectively working two night shifts almost back to back.

The dog was back with its owners and Steve missed his fluffy little guest dearly. He sat on his couch, watching some meaningless TV, asking himself if this was the life he was gonna have for the next months. Sam was sitting on the table with a straight face. Steve knew how stressed his friend was. Was he a procrastinator? – yes, but he could usually pull it off. Now he couldn’t write anything more than the stuff he’d got done in the morning, and if the internet wouldn’t work again soon, he’d miss the assignment. Natasha was in the kitchen cooking coffee, they’d all need it today.

Steve looked at his phone, still no message from his boss. He would have to go in as soon as the delivery came. Could be 6pm, could be 11pm, could be 1am. Sure, he made a bit more than during his usual shifts, but that was miniscule and the whole thing still sucked.

“Coffee?” Nat appeared behind him with a hot mug, which he gladly took from her.

“Thanks Nat. Sam, any updates?”

“Not really”, his friend was hunched over his laptop, “I texted a friend from the class and she’s willing to help me a bit, but the files are too big for my phone and my data isn’t that good, it’ll take ages.”

Steve took a sip of coffee and watched the little bubbles stir around in the dark liquid. “Today’s gonna suck so bad.”

Both of his friends hummed agreeingly.

The hours passed without Steve getting any update. At around 9pm he laid down for a power nap. Trying to sleep, he tossed and turned. Waiting for a shift was unnerving. Not knowing when he had to get out and work made him unable to rest and relax.

When his phone rang, he emerged from his bed more tired than before. It was half past 11pm as he stepped out of his room. Nat was wrapped up in a blanket watching ‘Jurassic World’, she looked up with tired eyes and Steve felt bad for her. Sure, his shift was gonna suck, but it was only going to be 5-7 hours long, not two 12 hours shifts and altogether 48 hours on call.

“You gotta go?” She pushed herself up and yawned.

“Yeah, delivery just came. You?”

“Got another 15 minutes before I gotta leave.”

Steve nodded, “where is Sam?”

“He called a friend with an internet stick for laptops and is getting the stick right now. Glad that he can finally work, but it’s gonna be a long ass night.”

“God”, Steve rubbed his eyes and got his keys and mask, “I fucking hate the world today.” And with that, he left his apartement.

Outside it was cool, but in a nice way. Summer was slowly creeping around the corner, warming up the air even on a relatively rainy day, and Steve couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like. Usually, summer was the time people got out and did fun stuff and took trips and vacations. Now leaving the state was illegal and people were urged not to leave their houses and hang out with friends.

He went along the block towards an empty park and enjoyed his few minutes of freedom, before getting into the shop. Darcy was already there, when he finished changing and headed to the warehouse in the back. She was looking at the piles of stuff they were gonna have to get into the shelves by morning.

“Fucking hell”, muttered Steve, as he joined her, pulling on his gloves.

“Yeah, we’re only three people tonight. Thor is coming, but that’s it.”

Steve groaned and looked around, “so we have to get all this done in seven hours and we’re only three people, perfect.”

“Yeah, I’m real happy ‘bout it.” Darcy started loading boxes onto her carrier and Steve followed suit, the two of them were listening to music, not talking much.

About twenty minutes later, Thor arrived, his hair tied loosely into a bun.

“So sorry that I’m late, my bus didn’t come at first and then I missed my subway. This day is 2 minutes old and it’s already shit.” He rushed off to get changed and joined them in their silent working.

After a few hours Steve was actually kind of enjoying himself. He was no longer tired, found to a really good audio book to listen to and most importantly he realized that getting work done was much easier at night, when he didn’t have to work around the shopping crowd. Keeping six feet apart was impossible in a supermarket. He focused on his work and tried ignoring everything else around him.

*

Nat left shortly after Steve and so Sam came home to a dark, empty apartment. He groaned, blinded by the sudden light as he entered and switched on the light. It was already the next day, he only had a few hours to get the paper done and while he knew he could do it, he also knew that his grade would most definitely suffer.

The laptop flickered on with a light humming noise; Sam put in the internet stick and shuffled over to the kitchen to get himself a midnight snack and something caffeinated. He returned with a coke and some milkless cereal to find the stick already working.

Alright Sam, he thought, let’s get this done. He quickly got to the files, skimming through them taking notes whenever something related to his topic caught his eye. He munched on his cereal, working at a decent speed for a good hour.

Finally feeling prepared to write some more, he wiped his face down in the bathroom and refilled his coke. The feeling of something cold in his stomach sobered him up from his tiredness and put him in a much better mood. He turned around and put his favorite Billy Holiday record on Steve’s shitty old record player. The crackling of the recording and her soothing voice played together perfectly with the rain drumming on the window to his left.

Writing went on much quicker than it did the morning before. Fueled by the immediate deadline he laid down a scarce layout for his paper, edited his introduction and rapidly typed away at the main part.

By the time he got seven pages deep, the deep dark night had turned into something grey, the sun was almost beginning to rise, but not quite. He closed his eyes for a second and straightened his position, noticing how his back hurt.

He knew he couldn’t pause for too long, mostly because he needed the damn thing finished in a few hours, but also because whenever he stopped doing something, he was overwhelmed by thoughts about his work and livelihood and future in general. Nothing was really safe, as of now. It had been like this since before the outbreak, but when his college started doing everything online he became really disconnected. If I hadn’t been for his online classes he wouldn’t study at all, and he knew that.

Things just weren’t good, right now. And the scary thing was that everyone else seemed to get on fine. People found new jobs, managed to learn languages or cooking or some other skill in their now free time. It was ridiculous how most days he couldn’t get his own ass up to do something other than sulk around and maybe go for a run. He felt like he was living a lie.

Sam forced himself to some water and a cookie, while reading his paper so far. Much to his surprise it was way less trashy, that he’d thought. Sure, there were some typos and a lot of mistakes in his quotes, probably due to the fact that citation was his biggest academic nightmare, but nothing unfixable. He went to the bathroom again to wash out his watering, tired eyes and went to tackle the last few pages.

*

Natasha’s shift started with a call to the emergency room. She was barely in her scrubs when she was ordered to help out with a recent car crash.

A full emergency room really had a way of waking people up. It was loud and filled with people and loud noise. Nat arrived in the room she was called to an immediately switched into her work-mode. When stuff like this was going on, she forgot that she was tired or that her feet hurt. Of course once the adrenaline wore off, she felt a million times worse than before. But that didn’t matter that instance. Important were the patients, not her.

She finished with one patient and was promptly called to the next one, no time to really think. She snuck in a mini break between a teenager with a broken leg and a guy claiming he had the virus despite every test coming back negative. She dragged herself outside of the hospital with some water and her phone to get some air. She was the only person outside right now, making for a pretty effective change of scenery.

The cool air felt good on her damp skin, as she removed her mask to properly breathe for the first time in hours. It wasn't raining anymore, not really anyways. A slight mist covered the city and contributed to her already drenched clothing. A quick glance at her phone prompted her to sigh with relieve. It was almost 5am, meaning that soon a whole bunch of hopefully rested people would join the night shift and make her live for the next seven hours a lot easier.

She'd only been standing out there for a few minutes before hearing some voices coming closer. A group of young doctors, all in their first and second year of the program, made their way to the entrance, waving towards Nat on their way in. Another group joined them quickly after, except for one of them.

“Hey there you poor soul”, James watched his peers go inside before joining Nat in her break.

“Hey yourself, how was your two free days and full night of sleep?”

“Pretty good, gotta be honest. I even managed to get my sleeping schedule less fucked up.”

“Can’t relate”, Nat said dryly, “man if I’d known that I would be on the night shift again, I wouldn’t have slept almost two days in a row. I feel beat.”

“Well at least you’re out of here early-ish, you working this shift tomorrow, too?” James lit a cigarette and reached over to give her one as well before she had to say anything.

“Yeah, I’m on call till Monday and then I’ll join in with your night shift before switching back Friday for the morning-shift on the weekend. So, basically all week and then right after the 5am, like that’s possible.”

James blew out smoke and grinned, “sorry about that, but it does mean we work together from Wednesday to Monday, so there’s that!”

“Great”, Nat tried sounding as ironic as possible, “so I’ll be stuck with your incompetent second-year-ass. Getting myself some babysitter credit.”

“I can always tell Schmidt to ask for you every time he needs help. The guy is a Greek Tragedy, I swear if he gets through his first year exams I will quit this job.”

“God Schmidt”, Nat pulled a face, “I almost forgot he existed after getting suspended for dropping the bundle of blood packets from the donation event.”

“Yeah, classic Schmidt.” James chuckled and put out his cigarette gesturing towards the entrance, “you coming?”

“Gimme a sec”, she looked after him, relishing the last bit of her cigarette. If she kept this up, she’d really start smoking during a worldwide pandemic. Her eyes wandered over the empty-again parking lot and entrance area, before snipping the bud into the ashtray and heading towards the hospital.

*

They got a lot done in the first three hours. After that things started dragging more. The previous day sat in Steve’s bones and made him ache easily, but it was still manageable. He finished his third palette for a day, and looked over to Darcy, who looked like she was close too.

“Hey”, he came over to her, “I’m finished with my stuff, can I help you?”

“Nah”, Darcy pulled out her in-ears and revealed the rest of her palette to him. There was only a few things left on it. “But maybe Thor? He’s doing the alcohol shelve and you know how exhausting these bottles can be.”

Steve nodded and headed to the front of the store to find Thor already filling in the gaps in between the bottles, making everything look nice and neat.

“How long have you been finished?” Steve asked and squatted down to help him out in the rows further below.

“A few minutes? I’m not really doing this right, but I don’t give a damn anymore. I just wanna get outta here.”

“Same”, he said haphazardly making the shelve look alright before moving on to the next one.

“How late is it?” Thor was already two shelves over.

“You mean how early? It’s almost 6am.” Steve’s chuckle was interrupted by a yawn.

“Can’t believe we made it in six hours. Like, I seriously did not believe that we could do it before the shop opens.” The large, blonde Northern European joined him in yawning and moved on to another shelve in record time. Steve hoped nobody would take too close a look at those.

“Me neither, but I gotta say, if I hadn’t been so tired this would have been a nice shift. With the shop being closed I mean.”

“Yeah”, the other man replied, “I wouldn’t mind a night shift instead of trying to work during the craziness of the day. But maybe not on a Saturday and maybe with a little more notice than ‘hey delivery’s here, come over’.”

Darcy joined them, looking as eager to get home as the rest of them. “Let’s go, boys! We’re almost finished!”

They pulled themselves together and finished the rest of the story in a timely manner. It was half past 6am when they parted ways in front of the store. Steve walked over to the park and enjoyed the feeling of slowly dribbling rain on his heated face. If he hadn't been so tired, he'd really enjoy this part of the day. The misty city, streaks of sunlight crawling over the buildings. But Steve couldn't stop to marvel at this beauty, he just wanted to go home.

*

Sam was finished. He couldn’t believe it. The desk was covered in loose paper on top of which he had stacked two empty red bull cans, a coffee mug, his drinking glass, two empty plates from snacking and a wide variety of pens.

He sat in front of his laptop, the room slowly beginning to flood with morning light. He read over his paper for the third time, feeling suddenly very energetic. When he hit the send-button the caffeine crash didn’t hit right away. He was able to clean up the table, wash the dishes, take a proper shower and get some simple breakfast going, before he heard Steve on the door.

His friend dragged himself through the door, taking off his shoes with a groan.

“Hey”, Sam said, trying not to sound too chipper. However bad his night was, Steve’s was much worse.

“Morning.” Steve sat himself down on the couch, tilting his head back.

“You want some breakfast or go straight to bed?” Sam asked, the smell of bacon lingering in the apartment.

“Breakfast sounds good. I’ve been debating with myself whether I should go to bed or stay awake for as long as possible. I gotta go to work again in the morning and if I sleep now it will seriously fuck me up for the whole week.”

Sam didn’t know what to say to that. He kept to himself, that he basically did nothing all week, had barely anything to do besides some stuff for college and spent most of his time being alone. Steve had his coworkers; Nat had hers and James, with whom she hung out regularly these days. All Sam had were zoom meetings and sporadic calls from his mom. But all that was not comparable to actually working in this mess and getting other people and society in general through it.

He got his friend and himself plates and packed them high with greasy food, before joining him on the couch, where Steve had already started watching early morning sitcoms.

They sat through three episodes of ‘How I met your Mother’, two of ‘Scrubs’ and what felt like half a season of ‘The Big Bang Theory’, before getting up again. Sam went for a run, Steve took a shower. When Sam came back and was getting ready to bunker himself down on the couch with a poptart and his water jug he received a message from Nat, saying she was finally home.

*

Her day ended at noon and start all over at midnight, so Nat was eager to get home, shower, eat and sleep. She texted Sam that she finally got off and headed out, looking for James but he was nowhere to be seen. On her way she ran into two of her colleagues, but when they stopped to chit chat, Nat quickly said her goodbyes and headed on towards the car.

Inside, she took a minute to calm down, knowing that driving whilst being tired wasn’t really the best idea. When she felt a little better, she started the car and drove home. It was a short and familiar drive, but she felt herself slip in and out of focus a bunch of times and almost pulled over once, when she couldn’t keep her eyes open. The rain had started up again, making navigating a little extra difficult.

It was half a miracle that she got home safe. Nat swore to herself to take the subway next time she felt like this and made her way up. The apartment greeted her with a final sense of relaxation. She left most of her clothing right there by the door and headed straight to the shower, washing away the sweat and grime of a long shift.

She scavenged the kitchen for some food and transported it to her bed to watch some mindless Youtube videos and drift into sleep. Once in the bed and officially in denial of the fact that she could get called in anytime, she took some time to text Clint and James, before checking in with her colleagues about the meeting time later tonight. They had to get some administration done and the best time for that was usually around the start of the shift, when they were all relatively awake and less stressed than during the sometimes ridiculous hours of the early morning.

Once she put her phone down and finished eating, sleep came within minutes.


	15. Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry it took a while, I wasn't really in the mood for writing these past months. But now I'm back, writing and revising these chapters whilst watching the season finale of the world (2020 election).  
> But I got positive news, too! I got a cat! So yay for small kitty. She's making me write more, so expect some updates the next days. I really like this fic and I won't abandon it ever. Mental health is just sometimes getting in the way.  
> Hope you are all safe xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: Hospitals, smoking, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

Steve woke up on Thursday, feeling like something was off. It was raining, because of course it was, and he allowed himself a moment of peace. A minute of lying in his bed, eyes closed, listening to the rain.

The world seemed to be asleep. But it was 8am. He slept in. Well, sleeping in was a stretch, but he slept until he woke up naturally and that felt – wrong.

It was his day off. Something exceptionally rare these days. And because it had gotten so rare, and the weekends were usually filled catching up on all the stuff he couldn’t do during the week, him sleeping till 8am was a weird thing.

The rain blew against his window in an aggressive manner, prompting Steve to open his eyes for good. He loved waking up to rain. The dimmed light in his room made everything look grey. Steve sat up a little, so that he could reach his night stand, and pulled out a candle and his switch.

With the warm glow of a lit candle lifting up both the room and his mood, he started a game and allowed himself to get lost in it for a little while. Simple games without much stress or drama helped him getting his mind off his own thoughts. He was technically productive, so he didn’t feel as guilty for not doing something; yet watering flowers in Animal Crossing wasn’t as exhausting as actually being a grown up human being.

When he did finally leave his bed, it was a good hour later and Steve only did it, because he couldn’t find a comfortable position anymore.

Sam sat at the desk by the window, working, Steve assumed. He poured himself some coffee and lingered in the kitchen for a little while. The sound of rain echoed through the whole apartment and filled Steve with more motivation than he had felt the last weeks.

He took the coffee and got back to his room to do some drawing. Quick sketches to warm up and then it was time for some anatomy practice. It always felt weird looking up poses on the internet, since most artistic poses for drawing were practically soft porn, but Steve ignored his destroyed search history and focused on the task at hand.

He sketched out Darcy and Thor at work, his mind still wandering to his place of work even on his day off. After a few scenes, he went back to the character study he’d gotten into the last weeks: dynamic poses and backgrounds. He struggled with both. Usually, his backgrounds consisted of a few lines indicating a city skyline or mountains, while the people he sketched either unnaturally stood around or held the same three poses he could comfortably do. His attempts at other poses went – interestingly. It didn’t look like people, but rather blocks of stuff doing stuff people usually did.

Frustrated, he closed the sketchbook and went back to the living room, where Sam still sat at his former position. This time, he looked up.

“Hey man.”

“Hey”, Steve sat down on the couch, “how’s work going?”

“I corrected a decent amount of pages and go no zoom meetings today. Is it bad if I stop now and take the rest of the day off?” Sam looked guilty and Steve didn’t quite know how to reassure him.

“No it’s not”, he started, “remember what you told me about spoon theory and doing a little bit every day?”

Sam nodded, closing his laptop. “You’re right. So, what are we doing today?”

Steve sighed, “well we have the option of staying inside, staying inside or”, he paused for dramatic effect, counting down their options on his hand, “ah yes, staying inside.”

“You are a very dramatic person. I don’t call you out on that enough.” Sam retorted. He took a look out of the window and frowned. “I know it’s raining, but I need to get out of this apartment. Are you up for a six-feet-apart-from-everyone-else stroll around the block?”

“You think we’re going to get in trouble about that?” Steve worried mostly for Sam. In case they got stopped, he could always show off the piece of paper, stating that he was an essential worker.

“We live together and are only getting out to catch some air and get a bit of exercise in. I don’t think anyone can fault us for that.” His friend was already on his way to his shoes, dragging Steve along with him.

“Ugh, fine. But if the police picks us up I am throwing you under the bus!” He whined, pulling a grimace as Sam started laughing.

“You could always fake an asthma attack to get us out of trouble”, he joked.

Steve stopped, pretending to be offended, “oh you we’re making jokes about that now?”

“Looks like it, doesn’t it?”

*

Williamsburg greeted them with an eerie silence. It was unusually cold for the time of year, a small amount of people were doing their daily bidding. Steve could count the amount of cars driving by on one hand. They fell into an easy silence, strutting down the street together. The rain working as a backdrop to the sound of them breathing and their steps on the ground

A few minutes passed like this, until Sam started humming.

“You’re not seriously humming Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head right now?” Steve asked, adding a bit of annoyance to his playful tone.

“It’s a good song!” Sam defended himself, laughing.

Steve rolled his eyes. “You are such a cliché, honestly.”

“ _Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head. And just like the guy whose feet are to big for his bed. Nothin’ seems to fit._ ” Sam began singing.

“Shush!” Steve looked around nervously, afraid someone would overhead his friend’s singing and assume they were mad.

“What? You think someone will hear us?” His roommate started turning in circles on the sidewalk, arms spread out wide. “There is nobody here, Steve!” Raising his voice, he continued singing. “ _Those raindrops are fallin’ on my head, the keep fallin’! So I just did me some talkin’ to the sun! And I said I didn’t like the way she got things done!_ ”

“You’re changing the lyrics up now?” Steve was holding back laughter, still feeling judged by any possible bystanders.

“He’s assuming the sun is a man, I’m a feminist Steve!” Sam was still spinning.

“Ah yes, changing song lyrics. You’re a real hero to the feminist movement.”

“I’m ignoring you! _But there’s one thing I know! The blues they send to meet me won’t defeat me! It won’d be long ‘til happiness steps up to greet me!_ ” He pulled Steve into his little dance, fighting off the weak tries of the smaller man to defend himself. “C’mon Steve, sing it with me!”

“I will not!” Steve protested, now walking in circles, too. Filling the sidewalk up with their shenanigans.

“Do it! I need this, we need this! Have some fun!”

“Fine”, he mumbled, being met with immediate glee in Sam’s eyes.

“A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three – Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head. But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turnin’ red!”

Steve chimed in “Cryin’s not for me! ‘Cause I’m never gonna stop the rain by complainin’!” He got more confident with every word they sang.

“Because I’m free! Nothing’s worryin’ me! It won’t be long”, they stopped, still holding hands, looking at each other, “oh it won’t be long ‘til happiness steps up the greet me!”

Dragging out the last note, the two of them fell into a hysterical laughing fit, finally parting when they both had to catch their breath.

“I have to agree, that was fun.” Steve said between two huffs.

“I know right? Now let’s get out of here before some angry tenants hunt us down.” Sam laughed, pulling Steve with him as they raced down the street.

*

“How are you doing Nat?” Bucky walked past her with an empty wheelchair, stopping at her station. He leaned on the desk, peeking over the plastic wall put up for safety.

“Tired.” Natasha replied, yawning to further her point. Her shift was almost over and, for a matter of fact, so was his. Guessing what he had in mind, she stood up and joined him in front of the station, relishing in the rare relative silence that filled the floor. “You got any plans today?”

“Not really, I was going to take a hot shower and cry myself to sleep. You got a better idea?” He grinned.

“Jesus dude”, Nat snickered, “that got dark real quick.” She looked down to the wheelchair with a smirk. “You planning on taking me out? Because if so, that wheelchair is a very good start. My feet are killing me.”

“Well, taking you out is a strong choice of words. I was thinking pizza at my place while we watch some very stupid tv.”

“Sounds perfect. The less movement involved, the better.”

“You must be legendary in bed.” He escaped the playful hit on the shoulder Nat was dealing out by ducking out of the way. “Easy woman, I’m joking.”

“Watch your mouth Barnes”, she laughed, “besides, what’s sexier than just laying in bed like a dead woman?”

He cackled, throwing his head back. “You’re right, of course. What was I thinking?”

“Meet you outside in 20?” She walked back inside her station. “I still have to finish up the medication plans for this floor and change. I reek.”

“So do I, believe me. You got a change of clothes here? I was thinking we could head to my place.”

“Yeah I do. Sounds good. See you in a bit.”

He rushed off, clearly supposed to deliver that wheelchair somewhere. Nat shook her head, still grinning. What an idiot.

*

James was already outside, smoking in his usual spot, when she walked out the main entrance.

“You got out quick”, she teased. Taking the offered cigarette, cursing herself out for it.

“I was very motivated on the count of not wanting to work anymore.” He grinned, holding out his lighter for her.

“Relatable”, she agreed. “I have a bunch of doctors breathing down my neck about work lately. The other nurse practitioner is in quarantine and I’m not getting any backup ‘til next week.”

“Fucking hell.” Bucky let out a deep sigh. “She okay though?”

Natasha waved it off, “yeah she’s alright. Her boyfriend travelled in from Italy three days ago and they didn’t realize that she would have to stay home, too.” Under her breath she added “dumbasses.”

James clicked his tongue, “sounds like dumbasses to me.”

Frustrated, Nat threw her hands in the air, almost dropping the cigarette, “right? I mean for fucks sake guys, this isn’t really a new thing!” She felt a little bad about her outburst, but at the same time she was incredibly frustrated. She badly needed some time off.

“Dude you need to chill.”

“Great advice, man.” She rolled her eyes.

He took a long draw from his cigarette, flicking the bud into the ashtray. “Let’s get outta here.”

She didn’t have any objection to that, disposing of her own bud and following him to the car. On the road, Bucky was being absolutely obnoxious, singing along to a Taylor Swift song of all things.

“Why are you in such a great mood?” She quickly glanced over to him, having a great time, drumming along to the song on the dashboard.

“Do I need a reason to be in a good mood?”

“Yes.” She answered dryly. “You met someone?”

Bucky laughed, “matter of fact I did!”

Oh? Nat didn’t expect that. After all he said about not having the time for anything, she half-assumed he wasn’t the type for dating. Hell, he even said so last time they were at his place. A small part of her hoped he was talking about Steve, but she would have known if that was the case. She pulled herself together to further investigate.

“How did you meet them?” Nat was trying to sound as innocent as possible, even though she was sure he saw right through that.

“I met her a few days ago, but I’m pretty sure she’s the one.” He replied nonchalantly, as if it was nothing. “She’s already moved into my place, too!”

That raised a shit ton of red flags in Nat’s mind. The fuck? When did this happen? How? This was very unlike the Bucky she knew. Did quarantine make him so lonely he jumped into something stupid?

“What’s her name?” She asked, hoping for some reason behind this. Maybe it was someone from work and he was just exaggerating?

“Rosie”, he replied again like this was a perfectly normal thing.

“Rosie”, Natasha echoed. Not a trashy name. Suddenly she realized something. “Hold up, we’re on our way to your place right now. Is she going to be there?”

“Yeah”, he grinned, “I’m really excited for you to meet her!”

Natasha, stunned into silence, pulled into a parking spot, unsure what to do. Bucky got out of the car, whistling the melody of the song they’d just heard on the radio, as he made his way towards his building. Hesitantly, she followed him.

She wasn’t one to fall quiet. But this absolute bomb he’d just dropped, made her consider just turning around and running off. She wasn’t in the mood to meet someone, let alone deal with whatever early midlife crisis this was.

“Before we go in I have to warn you”, Bucky stopped at his door, keys jingling in his hand, “she’s probably a little younger than you’d expect.”

That was the last straw for her.

“Jesus fucking Christ Bucky, what the fuck is going o-“

Silence. He’d opened the door, a small cat sleepily making its way towards him.

“Nat, meet Rosie.” He picked her up, a shit eating grin on his face.

“I want to murder you.” Nat snarled, her lips pressed together firmly.

“Let’s go inside first, I don’t want to worry the neighbors.”


	16. Zoom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A digital chapter, if you will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> \- Explicit violence: No
> 
> \- Explicit sex: No
> 
> \- Other: alcohol, explicit language, depression, politics (just a mention), again me nerding out about literature (I am sorry)
> 
> Revised: no

“She’s very cute but I’m still mad at you.” Natasha was leaning over her laptop camera, trying to look intimidating.

Steve held back laughter.

“Steve Rogers I can hear you snickering, don’t you dare enable his behavior! I almost had a heart attack when he told me she was younger than I’d expect. I was halfway to calling the police!”

“That’s what you get for just assuming my good mood had something to do with my love life.” James was looking good. Steve did his best, not to swoon too obviously over the fact that his doctor joined their Zoom call this evening.

“Remind me again why we are on Zoom, a website that I spend most my waking hours on?” Sam sat next to Steve, looking annoyed.

“You got any other idea for a stable video platform, wiseass?” Nat lifted a wine glass towards her face, the video glitching out as she presumably took a drink.

“What ever happened to good old Skype?” Sam leaned back, almost disappearing from the webcam window.

“It’s not 2006, Sam. We’re not using fucking Skype.”

“How are you doing, Nat?” Steve chimed in, changing the topic. They switched to Zoom calls, now that health workers were asked not to meet with people outside of their households anymore. That meant that people like Nat and James were basically cut off from social interactions, since they both lived alone.

“What do you think?” She took another drink of wine, emptying her glass. “I’m fucking peachy.” She refilled her glass.

“You wanna see the cat again?” James helpfully asked, already reaching into his lap, revealing a small purring kitty.

Nat was drinking again. “It helps a little, I’m not going to lie.”

“Oh, Clint is joining us!” Sam exclaimed, allowing him to join them. A few seconds later, a disgruntled looking Clint was suspiciously peering into his webcam.

“Hey guys”, he glanced over his screen, “good to see you all again. And a new face, too!”

“Yeah, hi man. I’m James.” Steve watched James nervously grin into the camera, putting the struggling cat down again.

Steve sipped his rum and coke, checking his phone. “Darcy should be in any minute.” He looked back at the screen just in time to catch Nat fix her hair. Sure, now that Clint was here she had to look her best. He grinned.

“It’s a party.” James was drinking something Steve didn’t recognize. His tone suggested that he wasn’t even joking when he said that.

“And what a party it is”, Nat sighed, “meeting over Zoom. What even is the world right now?”

“Can’t wait to watch the election like this, getting fucked up together while we watch the world burn.” The dry comment came from Sam, painfully reminding Steve that they indeed had an election coming up. His stomach ached. This fucking year was only getting worse and worse.

“Can we not talk about politics, please?” Clint groaned. “I’m visiting family right now and I am stuck in a very republican state. It’s making me consider just moving to Canada.”

“How are things over on your end, Clint? Are people even wearing their masks?” Sam tried grinning, but it was more of a defeated grimace.

Nat’s not-boyfriend-boyfriend sighed. “They are protesting it like crazy. People wear weird shit into Walmart, like trash bags, and people straight up refuse to stay six feet apart from each other. It’s exhausting.”

“Honestly, I’ve seen some weird ass ‘masks’, too. So it’s not just where you are.” Steve remembered the time he saw someone with a book, held to the face with duct tape, and snickered.

“I believe that”, James said. “Dumb shit is happening everywhere. Nat, remember that guy that came in to cough on people?”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me”, Sam was close to screaming.

“No, he’s not”, Nat chimed in. “We had one guy seriously coming in, saying he was vaccinating people with his coughs. His test came back negative btw.”

Sam almost fell of his chair, letting out a long, howling groan. “I hate people so much, man.”

“Same.” Nat drank.

“Same.” Clint drank.

“I feel pressured to say ‘same’ and then take a drink”, said James laughing and then did just that.

“Peer pressure makes me into an alcoholic”, Nat was already refilling her glass again.

“Nat, you are the peer pressure turning people into alcoholics.” Sam toasted her, emptying his glass, too.

At this point Darcy joined in, immediately picking up on the vibe.

“Hey guys. Oh, we’re getting drunk? Hold on a second.” She returned half a minute later with a bottle of gin and joined the group coping mechanism.

“Anyone got any plans tomorrow?” She asked after filling her glass.

“Regretting.” Nat’s deadpan delivery made Darcy and James crack up.

“I was actually planning on a nice picnic in the park, then checking out a few museums, eating at a nice restaurant and then a movie. Oh wait, it’s a Sunday in quarantine times so I will sit on the couch in my underwear watching Scrubs.” Sam let his head hit the desk.

Steve glanced over to him, not looking too sympathetic. “That is my couch, you better fucking wear sweatpants.”

“C’mon Steve, let the man be sad in peace.” Shaking the camera a little, James shifted in his seat, prompting his new cat to race through the room. Her little footsteps occupied his audio for a few seconds.

Mesmerized by James watching his cat, Steve forgot for a second that people could see him, too. He had to cut this shit out right now. Sam shot him a knowing look, sipping provocatively on his drink.

“Cut it out”, Steve hissed barely audible, yet still catching the attention of Darcy and Nat, with Clint gone to pee and James still focused on his pet.

Badly hiding a laugh, Nat suddenly yawned quite unconvincingly. “Man, I’m tired.”

“Me too”, Clint, now back behind the camera, rubbed his eyes, enlightening everyone else in the call on what was really going on.

“I think I might turn in guys.” Nat was usually the last to head to bed on social gatherings.

“Yeah same”, Clint said. They weren’t fooling anyone except Darcy, who looked a little disappointed.

“So soon”, she said, frowning into the camera. “This was fun.”

Nat smiled. “Oh you guys go ahead and drink some more. We’ll talk more next time alright? I have tomorrow off and want to get some shut eye, that’s all.”

“Yeah”, Sam chimed in, “that’s all.” He winked at the camera.

Before she could blush, Nat exited the meeting with Clint soon following suit. This left James in a weird situation, but he played it like a pro. Soon he was chatting with Sam and Darcy about some psychological experiment Sam was writing about, giving Steve a chance to lean back and enjoy the company of his friends without having to contribute. He sipped his rum and coke, laughed about their jokes and allowed himself to look at James’ video whenever the other man was talking.

The words of his psychologist echoed in his mind. He liked James. The doctor could keep up with his snarky replied, was funny, smart and – as his brain painstakingly reminded him every time he looked at him – very pretty. Especially now that his hair was disheveled, his lips reddened from the drinking. Steve refocused. Was this a bad thing? It wasn’t like anything would ever happen anyways, seeing as James was his doctor and only hung out with him because of Nat. And who could blame the guy?

“Steve?” Darcy brought him back, looking at her camera half amused, half concerned.

“Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about something.” He shook his head, now smiling at the camera to calm her. “What’s up?”

“I was just saying my goodbyes”, she grinned. “You don’t look too bummed about it.”

“Oh you’re going to bed?” Steve rubbed his eyes, peering over to Sam, who was also yawning. “That’s too bad. Have a good night.”

Her eyebrows rose. “Thanks. See you Monday.”

And with that she was gone, leaving the three men to themselves. Steve checked back into the conversation, realizing that by now, Sam and James were talking about something else entirely.

“In my mind, the Medea myth is still one of the best, just because it’s so different. The woman not only being the main hero, but also escaping her motherly figure.” Sam sounded like he was defending himself and Steve chuckled, he was wrong on so many levels.

“My dude you are not wrong but you are also not right.” James’ answer peaked Steve’s interest, prompting him to lean forward a bit. “I mean yes, Medea is one of the best mythical source materials, I’m arguing with you on that point, but she is neither a heroine, nor escaping her motherly figure.”

“Why the fuck are you guys talking about Medea?” Steve decided to chime in.

“Boy wonder over here is a literature and history prodigy.” Sam nodded towards the screen in front of them, now only showing James and his cat, making his picture appear quite large. Steve swallowed hard, forcing himself to stay on topic. Not that it was hard talking about Medea, a myth he not only loved, but actually studied for a full semester. Hold up? James was what?

“You are a what?” He asked, bewildered by this sudden spurt of information reaching his brain.

James rolled his eyes. “He’s exaggerating. I took a few lit classes a while back and can hold my own in a discussion. Especially if said discussion is with a bone head like Sam.” He winked, almost sending Steve into a coma. Stop it, he reminded himself.

“I might me a bone head”, Sam agreed, “but you just might have your work cut out for you with Stevie here.”

The doctor leaned forward, “really?” He smiled. “What’s your take on it?”

Steve lifted one eyebrow, suddenly feeling overconfident. He might have a crush on this guy, but talking about his studies was where he shone. “I think you both got it wrong. Medea is a heroine, first of all. She doesn’t have to be Greek to be that. She’s a demigoddess, meaning she is a heroine. As for the mother-discussion, Euripides actually defines her as someone with ‘male’ morals, meaning that while she is a mother, the fact that she isn’t Greek and bound by their high moral expectations towards women, she can exist as a mother, despite the fact that she killed her children. She only did that, to rob Iason of a male heir, a very male way to get revenge on him.”

James didn’t miss a beat. “Alright, yeah I’ve read the prologue, but that doesn’t mean she’s still defined as a mother. That would go against the feminist stand she has in literary history.”

“I never said that!” Steve got defensive, quickly reminding himself that this wasn’t one of his classes. In a calmer voice he continued. “I said she can exist as a mother, despite everything she’d done. But that doesn’t mean she is defined as one. If anything, she is a good example of alienated motherhood, letting her exist as a heroine, neither good nor bad from a moral standpoint, that is also a mother.” He took a deep breath.

“But if you look at her portrayal in Euripides drama, not anything that came since, she isn’t motherly anymore by the end. She is filled with rage, acting with revenge on her mind only. She doesn’t want Iason to have male heirs, completely stripping away her own connection from the children.”

“Not true”, Steve noticed Sam slowly sinking into his seat, “she kills their offspring precisely because they are just that – children she had with Iason. She accepts her role as a mother, realizing that she has to choose between protecting her children and ending Iasons bloodline. But she also knows that the Corinthians will kill them anyways, since they are on their own path for revenge against her. So she would lose her kids anyways, either as an independent person in an act of revenge against Iason via her own hand or as a mother, losing her offspring because of the rage of the Corinthians towards her. Eventually she comes to the conclusion that the latter would fulfill her revenge, breaking his century old legacy whilst also not putting her into the losing position. She protects her children by killing them herself. Medea acts as a mother, willing to take that sacrifice.” He wasn’t done yet. “Also regarding that feminist aspect you talked about earlier, she is rescued via deus ex machina, when her grandfather Helios sends her a wagon to escape. This is portrayed as a sign of her absolution, in a non catholic sense I mean. She is forgiven and accepted among her hero and heroine peers as a moral being, acting as such. Her role as a mother refusing to back down and be the victim made this possible.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go to bed.” Sam yawned, looking unimpressed by their discussion. “Have fun kids.”

Grabbing the laptop, Steve made his way towards his bedroom.

James laughed. “Night Sam.” He repositioned himself and Steve was suddenly very self aware. “Oh god sorry, I kinda snapped on you.” He could hear Sam snicker in the background.

“You did but I learned something so I’m not mad. You really know your stuff!”

Blushing from the compliment, Steve was glad his room was so dimly lit. “Thanks, you too, though. You almost had a good point there.”

“Oof Stevie coming at me with the punches again”, James pretended to be hit and laughed. Steve’s stomach fluttered for a brief second on hearing the nickname used by him. Were they becoming friends?

“Yeah, I can’t go too long without giving you shit. You know that.”

The other man laughed again, “oh I know. Part of why you’re one of my favorite patients, keeping me on my toes.”

“How’s Rosie doing?” Steve changed the subject to something less flirty and for a split second, he could swear he saw the face of the other man darken. But it was gone as soon as Steve noticed it, returning the doctor to his usual light mood.

“She’s doing so well”, he looked like a proud dad. “It’s all still a bit much for her, but she’s coping like a trooper. I got a neighbor checking in on her when I’m at work for now, but I’m sure she won’t mind being alone for a while in a few days.” The doctor chuckled. “She still hides whenever I leave the room. So it’s good that she got company for now, though.”

Steve caught himself smiling like a dumbass at the sight of James and his cat. They made a good team, he could tell. “She seems happy enough.” He said. “What made you decide to get a cat?”

“I love cats. They are so independent but still cling to their owners. A few weeks back when a friend of mine texted me about the kittens his cat just had, I decided to go for it.” Taking a more serious tone he continued. “I felt so out of control this year and being alone all the time wasn’t helping. I don’t have much time to go out and socialize, so I thought about getting a pet. Now dogs, you can’t leave them alone for long. But a cat? They manage, especially once she’s able to get out and walk the block herself.”

“Hm”, Steve cocked his head to the side, “and you’re not afraid she’s going to run away or something happening to her?”

James shook his head, “this block is pretty safe, and there are lots of other cats out and about. Half my neighborhood got one. She’ll fit right in.”

Recognizing a slight drop in James’ voice, Steve sat up and looked at his camera. “And how are you doing? You must be pretty isolated, too. We only talked about Nat earlier.”

As he dropped his gaze to James’ camera, he was met with a smile. “I’m doing okay. I never was much of a socialite, party-wise I mean. And I talk to my friends daily. Funnily enough, work pretty much keeps me sane these days.” He paused, reaching down. “Well, work and this little girl.” Scrunching his nose at his cat, he laughed when she yelled at him to put her down.

“Oh she’s a loud one”, Steve commented with a grin on his face.

James once again rolled his eyes, “tell me ‘bout it. 6am sharp she demands to be fed. I never had an alarm clock that accurate.”

Steve laughed, leaving them in a comfortable silence for a few moments.

“How are things with you?” James finally said, his eyes averted down towards Rosie in his lap.

He had to think about that for a second. How was he doing? “Pretty good, honestly.” He shrugged. “Work is work, but I feel alright. I’m on some new meds, they help.”

“So no more anxiety induced asthma?” James wasn’t talking in his doctor voice, which made Steve smile involuntarily.

“Why? You’re missing my 3am calls?” He laughed at his own joke.

James joined in, further explaining himself after catching his breath. “Well you did make my work days a lot more enjoyable. I like a good challenge.”

“Sorry for being healthy”, Steve shrugged, grinning.

“Ah”, the other man waved it off, “it’s for the better really, worrying about you worrying that everybody worries too much about you was honestly exhausting.”

They both paused for a second, Steve already questioning every single thing he’d just said, rummaging for things he could over think. He was interrupted by James talking to Rosie is a sweet little voice, asking her if she had a good nap.

“You’re talking to your cat.” He said with no judgment or ridicule in his voice.

James gave him a crooked smile, “yeah. She likes it when I talk to her. Is that weird?”

“No”, he quickly replied, “I think it’s sweet.”

“While we’re on the topic of 3am calls”, James let his sentence trail off, gesturing to his wrist as if he was pointing to a wrist watch.

Steve checked the time. “Jesus it’s almost 5am? How did that happen?”

“Pretty sure you rambling on about Medea wasn’t helpful.” James snickered, suppressing a lengthy yawn. Steve tried not enjoying the way the other man stretched, almost cat like himself.

“We should probably both get some sleep huh?” He said, disappointment dripping from his words despite his best efforts to sound neutral.

James nodded. “Yeah, seems reasonable. I’ll have to stay up a bit longer, though; otherwise Rosie will wake me up in an hour demanding to be fed. You got anything to do today or can you sleep in?” He cracked his neck, letting out a tiny groan.

Steve cleared his throat, buying himself a few seconds. “Not really, but I won’t sleep for too long, if I do, standing up at 6am tomorrow will be a nightmare.”

“Right”, James grimaced, “I’m choosing to ignore the fact that I have to get up early on Monday.”

“Denial can be great”, Steve said. “Until you realize you’re somehow a grown up that has to do things.”

James hummed in agreement, taking a long look on his phone. Steve decided to let the man hang up. He didn’t want to end the chat, but he felt like he was making it awkward, forcing James to ask for them to stop.

“You wanna hang up?”

“I don’t really wanna hang up.” James said at the same time.

“Oh”, Steve said.

“Sorry”, James suddenly looked very small on his screen. “I don’t want to keep you. We can hang up for sure.”

“No, I didn’t-“, Steve had no idea how to end the sentence. “I didn’t mean for it to sound that way, I felt like I was keeping you from something.”

James looked relieved and Steve was glad that he wasn’t the only one feeling awkward in this encounter.

“You’re not keeping me from anything.” The other man showed a warm, timid smile.

“Yeah”, Steve breathed, his little heart beating a touch too fast. “I like talking to you.” He bit his lower lip, hoping this confession wouldn’t scare James away.

“Me too, even though you’re an insufferable know it all.” James was grinning again, infecting Steve with his seemingly never ending streak of happiness.

“I have strong opinions”, Steve said. “That’s different.”

“Is it really?” The other man stretched the ‘really’ out, his voice becoming high and nasal.

Rolling his eyes, he tried not laughing. “You’re a jerk, you know that?”

“Yeah well”, James scratched the back of his neck, “you have to be a jerk to punks like you.”

Rosie started yelling in the background, a high pitched “meow” interrupting the call.

“Guess that’s my call to action. Get some sleep, will ya Steve?”

Steve, a little disappointed but ultimately understanding, nodded. “Thanks James. You too.”

“Hey Steve?” James was already picking up his cat. “You can call me Bucky if you like. It’s kind of a childhood nickname my friends use.”

“Alright Bucky, see you soon.” Steve said softly, closing the call with a smile on his face.


	17. What's next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs/CWs:
> 
> \- Explicit violence: No  
> \- Explicit sex: No  
> \- Other: death (very minor mention), alcohol, explicit language
> 
> Revised: no

Nat had the weekend off, something that felt wrong. She woke up on Saturday, actually feeling refreshed. Stretching out in her bed, she rolled over to retrieve her phone. Her eyes skipped over all the notifications until they reached Clint’s missed text message. Sitting herself up, she scrolled through their texts for context, a smile sneaking on her lips.

He’s had a rough couple of weeks, since he left New York for his family. Things were finally looking up again. His texts were nice, like they always were, but Nat felt the sincerity behind them. Clint had tried hiding from her, how hurt he’d been over the death of his grandmother a few weeks ago, but she’s seen right through them. Relieve washed over her, as she replied.

The morning was slow and sunny. Nat hadn’t been drinking the night before and felt really good. Saturdays were usually reserved for Zoom chats with her friends, but tonight Sam had to work on a paper, Darcy and Clint were working and she, Steve and Bucky agreed that they could all use a quiet evening away from technology. Well, Nat smirked, she wasn’t so sure whether Steve and Bucky agreed to that or if they just wanted to be alone. She wasn’t dumb, she’d noticed that they were chatting a lot more since the first Zoom meeting that Bucky had been a part of. The day after, she’d gotten a very early text from Bucky, indicating that he hadn’t slept at all, about Steve. She grinned at the memory. Bucky was such an idiot, sometimes she wondered how he was on track to become a full fledged doctor. Whenever they worked together, met on a break or went drinking after a long shift, he somehow miraculously found a way to make her talk about Steve. She shook her head, walking barefoot to her kitchen to make some coffee.

Standing by the open window, steaming mug in her hand, she observed the neighborhood waking up and her thoughts wandered back to Clint. She was just as much an idiot as Bucky, she thought. The fresh air knocked some sense into her and she checked the time, realizing that, by now, Clint was probably up. He didn’t have to work for a few hours and she could call him. She could.

She didn’t.

Instead she cleaned her apartment. After getting the dishes done, cleaning out her fridge, vacuum cleaning and mopping her floors, deep cleaning her bathroom, taking down the trash, doing a load of laundry and taking down the trash for a second time, realizing that she’d forgotten the fridge-cleanup on her counters, she still had the time to call. So she took a long shower and shaved her legs despite the fact that she hated doing that and rarely bothered because there was nobody complaining, and if she did hook up with someone and he didn’t like it she would drop him like a hot potato and just be on her way. She did it because she had officially run out of things to do. Out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, her phone rang.

“Hello?” She answered embarrassingly fast and she knew it.

“Hey Nat”, Clint’s million dollar smile was audible through the phone. “What are you up to?”

She leaned against the counter, nonchalantly ignoring all the cleaning she’s done today and shrugged, realizing that he could not in fact see it. “Uh”, she face palmed at herself, “nothing really. How about you?”

Clint hesitated, making Natasha perk up concerned. “Just getting ready for work, driving by my pops place to see if he’s alright.” He sounded distant. “The new workplace is fine, but I don’t like it as much as I thought.”

“Oh”, Nat said with a strain in her voice. They were both talking out of their ass and it put a toll on her. “How’s your grandfather, he’s holding up?”

“Yeah”, Clint said softly, “he is.”

“And you?” Natasha walked out of the bathroom and sat down on her couch, letting her wet hair fall loosely on the back of it. She stared at her ceiling, waiting for a response.

The other side of the phone stayed quiet for almost a minute. “I’m dealing.” He finally said.

Nat second guessed everything about this day. The seemingly fun and careless messages he’d sent her weren’t fun and careless. She had severely misjudged the situation. It made her head spin. He wasn’t alright, he was struggling and she hadn’t noticed. She wasn’t sure what this meant.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Nat finally said, her tone not accusatory, but raw.

She could hear Clint sigh on the other end, “I didn’t know it, to be honest. I thought I was alright, but being here and not knowing what comes next is not ideal.”

“Yeah”, Nat whispered. She didn’t like the direction this call was going.

“You know”, Clint said after another short break, “I’ve been thinking.”

Natasha swallowed hard. “About what?”

“About coming back.” He sounded bitter. “I can’t leave this place and I’m”, Nat could hear his pained smile, “I’m not sure I should leave once this is over.”

She was breathing.

“I mean my parents really enjoy having me here and I love seeing my pops whenever I like. The new job isn’t really for me, but that’s because it’s a temporary thing. If I stay”, he hovered for a second, “I wouldn’t pay rent anymore and could look for a new job and a new apartment, you know…” Nat blinked. “…here.”

He waited patiently for her to reply. When she finally did, she was glad her voice sounded a lot more collected than she feared. “Maybe it’s really a good thing.” She was still staring at her ceiling. “You sound like you’ve already made up your mind.”

“I don’t”, he took a deep breath, “I don’t know if I have, yet. I wanted to ask you about it.”

“Why?” She barely said the word out loud, but Clint had heard her.

He laughed, but it wasn’t a fun laugh. “You know why.”

“I can’t ask you to stay, you know that.” Her voice was stripped from all emotion. She felt very small, all of a sudden. “It’s your family. You should do what’s best for them.” And for you, she thought.

Clint didn’t reply.

“Look”, Nat said with a heavy voice, trying not to cry until this call was over. “I”, she stopped. “We”, nope, that wasn’t it either. She struggled with her words. “What you do is on you. I like this, but is it enough to stay in New York? I don’t think so and I believe you know that. If you want me to ask you to stay, I won’t do that. Because I don’t want to be the reason, should you later regret it.”

“Okay.” Clint said. “I have to go to work now.”

He hung up and Nat felt like she’s just made the biggest mistake of her life. She found herself wanting to call Steve or Bucky, but she didn’t want to interrupt them in what was probably the start of something really good.

Half an hour of staring into nothing later she caved.

Steve answered on the second ring. “Nat? Everything okay?”

He didn’t sound busy or in a call. She could make out the Scrubs intro in the background.

“No”, she said.

“I’ll be over in 20.” He hung up before Nat could tell him that it was a stupid idea because she wasn’t supposed to meet people right now. But then again, he knew that and he also knew that he was high risk and he also also knew that Nat sounded like shit and needed a friend. She couldn’t help but smile.

*

He came prepared. Sam was working, so he was able to take the car and swing by a pizza place that was close to Nat’s place. With two comically big pizza cartons in his hands, as well as a few bottles of whatever their liquor cabinet was holding right now, he rang her doorbell.

She looked worse than she’d sounded on the phone.

Steve had only ever seen Natasha cry twice. The first one when they watched Interstellar in the cinema, in the dark where nobody had seen it but him. They hadn’t talked about that. The second time was when Steve’s mother died and she had found him crouched down in the bathroom of the funeral home. She held him, crying with him for a few minutes. They hadn’t talked about that one either. Both times it had been out of compassion, lathered with Nat’s own family history. A mother lost to the Russian military and a controlling father she rarely talked to ever since leaving her home country. Steve sometimes wondered how she’d managed to her where she was all by herself. Nat was the strongest person he knew.

He wanted to break the tension with humor, but held back. “Hi”, he said instead.

“Hi”, she said back, making room for him to enter her apartment. It looked spotless. A bad sign.

Steve put down the food and his bad filled with alcohol and went for a hug. He was a little shorter than Nat, but today he towered over her slumped figure, unsure of what to do other than holding her. They stayed in the hug for a few minutes, Nat sniffling against his jacket.

He broke the hug, taking a good look at her. She was usually on point with her fashion, but not today. Her hair was wet and she was in a pair of loose sweatpants and a hoodie, barefoot. “Okay”, he said, taking a deep breath.

Nat didn’t talk the whole time he spent fixing her up, but that was fine. Steve started by putting on some music as a background noise, before leading his friend to her bedroom to pick out some very soft, thick socks and taking her blanket with him. He positioned her on the couch with said blanket and went up again to get their food. Three episodes deep into House MD Nat finally opened her mouth.

“He’s staying with his family.” It was barely a whisper, thrown out into the room with no context but Steve connected the dots instantly.

He nodded, more to himself than to her. “Okay”, he said. And then “when did he tell you?”

“About 30 minutes before I called you.” She sniffled into her blanket, but her face looked less red and puffy now and Steve was glad she’d calmed down. “He wanted me to tell him no.” Her face went dark.

Confused, Steve sat up a bit. “What do you mean? Like, he wanted you to ask him to stay?”

“Yeah.”

He furrowed his brows. “That’s not a fair thing to ask of you.”

“It’s really not”, her eyes were glued to the TV but Steve knew she wasn’t really watching or paying attention to what happened on the screen. “I told him”, she hovered as if unsure of how to paraphrase their phone call, “I told him that I don’t want to be the reason for him to stay, in case he regrets it.”

“He wants an easy out”, Steve said after considering the situation for a moment. “He doesn’t want to make the decision by himself so he wants you to do it for him.”

“Yeah”, she said again. “But what if”, her voice trailed off and Steve wondered where she was going with her thoughts. “What if he just wanted to know how serious I am about him?”

Steve reached out and lightly touched her arm, drawing circles on it with his thumb. “He knows, Nat.” She wanted to disagree, but he didn’t give her the chance. “No, Nat, he knows. You don’t have to say stuff like that out loud, at least not in this situation. You two have something and he knows it. If he blames you for not coming out with it, then he’s just looking for someone to blame for his own stuff.”

Nat hummed, but she didn’t sound convinced.

“Tell you what”, Steve said, “we eat, we drink, we call Bucky and pester him a bit and then we work out a message to text to him. Sound good?”

His friend didn’t look too happy about the prospect of having to text Clint, but she agreed with a small nod. Lifting her head a tiny but to look at Steve she asked “what’s up with you and Bucky anyways these days?”

Steve had no real answer for her. “We’re becoming friends.” He said, shrugging. “I don’t know, it’s not like anything really. We like talking, we like arguing about dumb shit like literature, we”, he stopped himself, unsure of what else to say. “I like him and I think he knows.”

“I wouldn’t bet on it”, Nat replied, the usual dry humor creeping back into her voice, making Steve hide a small smile in the blanket they shared. “He’s a real stupid head about stuff like that. The man has no game, I’m telling you.”

“I don’t mind, really.” Steve said. “I like things how they are right now.”

“Really?” Nat cocked an eyebrow. “Tell me you don’t want a piece of that ass.”

Steve felt his cheeks grow hot. “Nat”, he scolded half serious, “first of all, you’re objectifying your friend.” She shrugged, a sly grin on her lips. “And second off”, he let his eyes wander through the room before coming back up to meet Nat’s, “I really like him. Be it as a friend or more, I don’t want to make a rash move I won’t be able to take back.”

She nodded, “yeah, that’s what I thought about Clint, too. And now he’s”, her eyes turned dark again, albeit just for a second. She shook her head, “all I’m saying is that sometimes you gotta be brave to be happy.” She leaned forward to examine the food Steve had brought with him. “Now what kinda booze did you bring?”


	18. Feels like summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has time off and runs into someone.
> 
> TWs/CWs:
> 
> \- Explicit violence: No  
> \- Explicit sex: No  
> \- Other: military, hospitals (all minor mentions)
> 
> Revised: no

Life felt unreal. Bucky sat on the front steps of his building and took in the fresh summer air surrounding him. He had a few hours until the heat would set in and he’d have to retreat back inside, where his AC kept him nice and cool. He wasn’t a big fan of the summers here, the way they laid a thick, wet blanket over the city made him feel like he couldn’t breathe. He could deal with the heat, but the humidity killed him.

It was a Monday, usually he didn’t much care for those, but this Monday was special. It was the first of 6 free days he had. In a row. Half a miracle, really. The hospital had started giving out some free days to the staff, but that was usually limited to a weekend or half a week – not 6 full days. It couldn’t have come at a better time, too! Lockdown had been lifted for a few weeks during the summer, as a result of the case numbers going down. It was still restricted, museums and theaters were closed for example, but you could go to parks, meet a slightly bigger number of friends than before and it allowed restaurants to reopen, if they followed some guidelines. All, of course, only if you wore a mask, but oh well.

Being taken aback by the sudden announcement of his free week, he had no idea what to do, even with lockdown being lifted. Nat and his other coworkers were working, his non-work friends had become kinda alien to him since he’d started to work that much and his damned inner clock woke him so early, he didn’t even get to sleep in. So now he just sat on the steps of his building, alone with his thoughts. It felt wrong going back inside. He needed to get out more, now that he could. Fresh air was somewhat of a rarity for him these days. But being alone with his thoughts was something he’d never been good at and it seemed all too easy just to head back inside, cuddle up with Rosie and watch some mindless TV until he had to work again. So much easier.

He did go back inside, but only to change into his running shoes and a loose shirt. Grabbing a pair of headphones on the way out, he took some time to choose the right music to run to. A very hard decision, since he didn’t like to get riled up by music too much. Opting for an audio book instead, he finally started his workout, slowly making his way down the block. Running felt natural to him. He thankfully still had some of that army training stamina left, even though he definitely was in worse shape now. Absentmindedly, he took a few turns and followed a less crowded street for about 15 minutes. It was nice running through the neighborhood like that, watching the pretty buildings getting hit by sunlight, ignoring the stench that just somehow inhabited all of New York, no matter where you went. Greenpoint was ideal for him: If he craved some nature he just had to walk a block south, there were lots of cute small shops and meeting points scattered everywhere and he could reach the Brooklyn Hospital Center within 20 minutes via the 278, even if there was traffic. He also had little to no problem jogging along North Side right into Williamsburg. A thing he did not realize until now.

The reason he did notice it was Sam Wilson, who was also on a jog, or so Bucky assumed by the man’s clothing. Dumbstruck by this random meet up, Bucky just stared at the smiling man for a long second, while the both of them continued to jog closer towards each other.

“Heya Barnes, how’s it going?” Sam was still smiling, giving Bucky an awkward little wave which the other man returned.

“Uh, good”, he shook his head and put a matching smile on his face. This was a nice surprise; after all, he never realized how close they lived. For some reason he’d always assumed they lived closer to Nat, who was located a fair bit down south on the bottom corner of Adelphi, almost South Slope.

“Didn’t peg you for a runner.” Sam said, humor dancing in his eyes.

Bucky looked to the ground, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t get out as much as I’d like to anymore.” He smiled a bashfully. “You run every day?”

“Yeah, keeps me busy.” Sam shrugged. “What’s up with you? Got a free day and you decide it’s best to go running at half past seven in the morning?”

Bucky laughed. “My inner clock is the devil. Woke me up at six.” He sighed, “but yeah. I got a free day. Free week actually!”

“No fucking way!” The other man looked genuinely shocked and Bucky laughed again.

“Yeah, I was as surprised as you are, believe me. But Nat got some time off earlier this month, so I’m guessing they figured out they can’t work us to death anymore. And with lockdown being lifted”, he shrugged, “makes sense I guess?”

Sam shielded his eyes from the sun, looking around for a second. “You got any plans for your free time?”

“None whatsoever.” He grinned. “I figured I take it day by day. See if I can get myself to maybe sit in a park or something.”

“Sound plan”, Sam smiled warmly. “You maybe wanna grab some breakfast? I got”, he took a quick glance at his wrist watch, “another two hours before my first Zoom nightmare of the day.”

Bucky considered for a second. “Sounds good, I’m starving actually.”

*

They grabbed a bagel each and some coffee from a small shop down the road and sat down someplace nearby to eat. There was a fountain lazily pushing out water in front of them and a short row of park benches along the sides. Bucky was glad they didn’t talk much while eating. He liked Sam, but they hadn’t spent much time together and he wasn’t exactly a morning person, so small talk would just be awkward. Besides, it was 8am, nobody could feasibly expect an in-deep discussion from him right now.

But the bagels ran out and soon they sat in silence. It was a comfortable silence, though. Sam seemed content watching some birds near them and Bucky fought the urge to say something that would ruin the mood. He knew Sam was having a hard time, so work talk was out of the picture, but he didn’t have much else to talk about these days.

“So, how’s the Zoom thing going?” He immediately wanted to smack himself. Great topic. Really.

Thankfully, Sam didn’t seem to mind. He just let out a huge sigh and smiled tiredly. “It’s a lot, to be honest. I don’t like sitting in front of my computer staring at cameras. I miss my classes.”

“Yeah”, Bucky let out a relieved laugh, “I know what you mean.” He felt Sam’s curious eyes on him, so he elaborated. “I took online classes for a long time, while I was in the hospital.” He waved his left arm by way of explanation. “Thankfully no cameras, but god did I miss being in a class room, it drove me crazy sometimes.”

Sam nodded, seemingly in thought. “It’s isolating, isn’t it? I also feel like I’m not doing anything, most days. I don’t get out to go to class, I don’t meet people – just wasting time essentially.”

“Yeah that’s been a big thing this year”, Bucky agreed, getting less and less reluctant to share. “Between working and sleeping, I feel like all I do is pass time.”

“You forgot the over-eating and drinking”, the other man laughed. “Nah, but seriously. Between you and me, I don’t get anything done. And then I feel bad about it, but I still don’t do the stuff I gotta do.”

Bucky hesitated for a second. Not because he was judging Sam, but because he didn’t quite know what to say. He felt the same, but his work forced productivity without him having to think about it. He didn’t want to cheapen his new friends experiences.

“Sorry”, Sam didn’t look at him, “didn’t mean to overshare.”

“No”, Bucky chimed in quickly, “you didn’t at all. I just don’t know how to agree with you without being weird about it. I mean I get what you are saying, but at my work I don’t have to try to be productive. I just am.” Sam hummed. “But”, he changed his tone to be more sympathetic, “when I was out, after the army I mean, I thought my life was over. I had bad credit from all the bills, the army took forever to reimburse me and by that time I couldn’t get a place. Hell”, he laughed bitterly, “I couldn’t even get a credit card. I only got into my classes because my sister filled out the financial paperwork. I was so sure nothing I could ever do would matter, after that. My arm was busted, physical therapy was only covered up to the minimum so even after I left the hospital, I couldn’t pay for the therapy I needed to gain as much control back as I needed.” Bucky took a deep breath. Great. Now he overshared.

But Sam didn’t seem put off by his rant. If anything, he looked concerned. “How did you get back on your feet? I don’t know how anyone would come back from that. It’s amazing, seeing as you achieved so much since then.”

Bucky shrugged. “I didn’t do much myself, to be honest. I got so much help. Army friends helped me get a job, my sister used her business degree to do my taxes, figure out my financial situation. I got health insurance, got my arm back, finished my undergrad, went to medical school on a loan and now I am deeply in debt, but I got a decent life and I feel good about myself for the first time since high school.”

That seemed to spark interest in Sam. He smirked. “Oh, I imagine you were quite a stud in high school with that grin of yours.”

Bucky tried not to blush. He waved off the comment with a snicker. “I did alright.”

“Football?”

“Quarterback. You?”

Sam laughed so hard he was shaking for a second. “Of course you were that dude! I was captain of the basketball team actually, only problem was that my school did not give a damn about basketball.”

“Yeah, American schools can only focus on one sport at a time. Who took your thunder?”

“Chess club.”

Bucky chocked a little. “Excuse me?”

“I am not shitting you. We fostered like 3 national champions. It was rough.” Sam grinned. A look on his watch stopped that grin immediately. “God, I gotta go soon. Last meeting for the semester, at least.”

“Oh really?” Bucky was intrigued. “Let me walk you home, I don’t have anything else to do.”

“Sure”, Sam shrugged with a smile and proceeded to lead the way.

“So you’re on break after today?”

“More or less”, he let out a sigh, “I gotta attend two more classes, but these aren’t hands on, just lectures where the prof talks and we listen. I’m off to visit my family tomorrow, taking the chance to see them as long as shit is calm.”

Bucky nodded, “any idea how long you’re going to be away?”

“Well”, Sam scratched the back of his head, “at least two weeks, but probably more. It’s only DC, so I’m not too far in case something happens. I feel bad leaving Steve all by himself, but I don’t know when I will get the chance again.”

“Yeah no, understandable.” Bucky felt a little guilty for asking so many questions. Sam going home sounded like a big thing, but it was just a few weeks. His friends would be fine. Mainly Steve, his brain formed the thought before he knew it. He tried not to roll his eyes at his own thoughts.

“Do you ever visit your sisters?”

Guild hit Bucky like a bucket of ice water. He swallowed and nodded, “yeah, sometimes. Not as often as I should, to be honest. It’s hard seeing them. Reminds me of the worse times of my life, so I can’t bring myself to see them as much as they deserve.”

“I get that”, Sam smiled a tiny smile, “not in your sense of course, but on a broader scale. Whenever I visit family I feel weirdly insignificant if that makes sense. It humbles you, but it’s uncomfortable.”

They stopped in front of a brown stone building and Sam gestured that they had arrived. “Thanks for walking with me, I’ll see you around eh?”

“For sure, have a safe trip home, man.”

He could ask about Steve, right? That wasn’t weird, was it? He lingered.

Sam had a smirk on him that Bucky did not like one bit. “Do you want to ask me something?”

“No”, he said dumbfounded and watched as the other man turned around and walked towards the apartment. Bucky wondered if Steve was home yet. Maybe it was his day off? He shook his head, this was so childish. He could just text the guy. But he didn’t.

Instead he turned on his heel and froze, because just a few feet away he could see a skinny, blonde man making his way towards the building he was standing in front of. Steve hadn’t spotted him yet, he seemed too busy carrying not one, not two, but three bags of groceries, looking rather grumpy. Bucky thought about his options, he could hurry and leave before Steve saw him – or…

“Oh hey!” Steve’s face lit up significantly when their eyes met, which made Bucky smile. The other man handled all of the bags to one of his arms, making him lean a little from the weight, and gave him a dorky little wave.

“Hey Steve, how’s it going?” Bucky waited patiently for Steve to come closer and put down the bags.

“Not too bad, and yourself?” Steve wiped his bangs away from his eyes and smiled. He looked good, like he had slept enough, didn’t work too much. It wasn’t all that late, Bucky realized.

“I’m doing good, got some time off this week. Are your hours better now or are you still working a lot?”

“My hours are so much better, now that the panic has subsided a little. I got off super early today and don’t have to work again until Friday. And look at you having time off, sounds like a miracle!”

“Oh it is a miracle, alright.”

“What”, Steve looked around, as if he suddenly remembered where they were, “what are you doing here?” He didn’t look too bothered, but genuinely curious.

Bucky realized that it must seem a tad weird for him to just chill in front of Steve’s apartment complex. “I, uh, met Sam on my morning run. We got to talking and ended up here.”

“Ah”, Steve squinted, “so you’re one of those early morning runners, too.” He grinned.

“I guess I am”, Bucky laughed, “we didn’t do much running tho, we just got a bagel.”

Now it was Steve’s turn to laugh. “I gotta get up there, I got some frozen stuff in here”, he pointed at the bags, “but I got a proposition for you, since you got time off.”

Bucky nearly chocked. He cleared his throat. “Shoot.”

Steve looked a little nervous, but kept his happy tone of voice up. “I’m doing a project on essential workers and was wondering if I could draw you maybe? If you want? I can understand if you don’t want to spend your rare free time like that I was just wondering – I mean I could ask Natasha, but she’s been a little down lately and-“

Bucky stopped the rambling with a small gesture and a warm smile, “I’d love that. Text me the details, will ya?” His brain was vibrating. Steve wanted to – what? Draw him? Paint him? Didn’t really matter what medium he chose, Bucky was honored nonetheless.

“Sure!” There was that spark again, that wide smile that made Steve Steve. Bucky had a hard time saying no to stuff, but this he really wanted to do. If he could help Steve with his uni-work and spend some time with him at the same time? Jackpot!

“Bye! See you soon!!” Steve waved once more, now with the bags back on his arms, and shuffled in the direction of his apartment.

And Bucky waved back.


End file.
